When celebrities get mad at journalists, they throw cellphones, curse them on out TV, and kick them in the leg—twice!—at fancy fashion parties. That's what Larry King replacement Piers Morgan says Kate Moss did to him last winter.
In a diary he kept for The Daily Mail, Piers explained that Kate had a history of assaulting him for no reason:
She had me thrown out of a masked ball a few years ago, and recently ran up and kicked me in the leg at Naomi Campbell's celebrity fashion show for Haiti.
I've never been quite sure what it's all about, other than perhaps a mistaken belief on her part that I was still editor of the Mirror when the paper exposed her cocaine abuse. (I wasn't, and anyway, it doubled her earning power, so what's the big problem exactly?)
Then he replays a long conversation he had with her, in which Piers apologizes to Kate for being an "asshole," Kate kicks him again, and Brit mogul/Topshop owner Sir Philip Green appears out of nowhere:
"Apologize," she demanded.
"Being an asshole all your life."
It seemed a fair enough charge.
"I'll do that if you apologise for kicking me."
I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry for being an asshole all my life."
"Your turn, Kate."
"No, I'm not apologising to you. Forget it."
"OK, then I'll have to retract my own apology."
Sir Philip Green appeared. "You two made up yet?"
"Not quite," I said.
At which point I felt a Louboutin-pointed foot lash out under the table and collide with the table leg.
"Did you just try to kick me again?"
She giggled, then asked, "Are you gay?"
"No," I replied.
Then, the most unexpected deus ex machina of all: Naomi Campbell arrives to stop the violence.
"You've got me all wrong," I persisted. "Ask Naomi."
"She hates you too."
"No she doesn't. I'll prove it."
I phoned Miss Campbell.
"Naomi, please tell Kate what a nice man I am."
"OK," said Naomi. "I will."
I passed my phone to Kate, and could see her face scrunch into a tight ball of disbelief.
"What? No, he's not. Is he? Really?"
I smiled. "See? Told you."
These people's cocktail parties sound like hell. In other news, Kate is going on Piers Morgan Live (or whatever they end up calling his CNN late night variety hour) in March. Hopefully this means his TV show will be some sort of Celebrity Ultimate Fighting match (may I suggest the rare Far Eastern art of Sikaran kick fighting?) but more likely Kate and Piers have reconciled completely, and it'll be a total normal interview. [Daily Mail via HuffPo, image via Getty]