Just like with troubled school children, the problems of gay housewives start at home. Not only are there design disasters and petty arguments, but secret boyfriends and lies about size. Let's peer into their scary world.
Things are starting to get rocky for Reichen and his Brazilian houseboy Rodiney, while Derek is going out on dates with someone he's already been on dates with, and Austin is introducing everyone to his European boyfriend. There was so much going on that we can't even keep track of it. Luckily we overheard intolerable queens Dustin and Jayden talking about all the boys on the show during Ass Wednesday at The Urge last week. Here's what they had to say.
"Girl, guess what?"
"You finally got those warts taken care of?"
"Yes. But No! Guess what?"
"Austin has a boyfriend!"
"Austin from Kylie spin class at David Barton or Austin from Texas?"
"No. Who wants to date that cow?"
"Apparently some European dude."
"What's her story? She cute?"
"She cute! But she has some really thick accent. Apparently Austin met him in the U Motherfucking K."
"Is he English?"
"I don't know. Maybe. He didn't say, but the accent sure is something. It's not classy like Hugh Grant."
"Is he Irish?"
"Maybe. He sounds all, 'Flowers fa sayllll, flowers fa sayllll.'"
"Damn, she sounds trashy."
"Is that even legal where he's from?"
"They've been together for eight months, no 18 months, no two years. They're boyfriends, no they're engaged, no they're partners."
"Damn, girl. Which is it?"
"I don't know, the story changes more times than Lady Gaga at the VMAs."
"But she cute?"
"That's all that matters. Does this mean Fat Austin's not going to try to fuck Reichen and his tiny dick?"
"Jayden, it is not appropriate to talk about sexual intercourse or genitals in public."
"Girl, what you talking about?"
"Haha. Just kidding. You know how mad Reichen gets when you talk about sex or his tiny dick around other people."
"Right, like gay people aren't allowed to talk about sex. What else is there to talk about?"
"That's not sex, that's drugs."
"Who cares, they still good."
"Truth. So, what's up with Reichen and Austin."
"No one knows. They're kind of flirting, but now Austin's all, 'I"m in love and I'm taking my boyfriend to Fire Island.'"
"Oh Christ. Did they go to tea?"
"No, no tea, no nothing. They showed up and bought a bunch of bathing suits at the tacky store."
"Which tacky store, the one next to the liquor store or the one over the grocery store."
"Next to the liquor store."
"Do they even have suits in Austin's size in Fire Island."
"Ha, probably not, cause when then they went to this house Austin didn't even wear his in the pool."
"Who wears a bathing suit to swim in Fire Island?"
"Truth. But they never even went inside they house, they just swam and used the hot tub."
"Girl, I heard that wasn't even their house. They heard that Derek wasn't in town that weekend, so they just jumped the fence and used his pool and hot tub. They were really staying in Cherry Grove. Ew."
"Ew! Cherry Grove! What are they? Lesbian?"
"But Wanda Sykes hangs there. She fierce."
"Truth. So does Portia, she fierce."
"But, Cherry Grove! Ew!"
"Was that CEO Mike Ruiz there?"
"No, she wasn't at the beach or the pool, but her hair still looks like a wet poodle lying on top of her head."
"Truth. What about that Derek kid?"
"No, she was back in the city meeting with the Millionaire Matchmaker."
"The one on Bravo?"
"No, some matchmaker named Hattie."
"He got a fake millionaire matchmaker named Hattie? That's like carrying a Fucci bag."
"Right! And she so fake she set Derek up with some boy she already been on a date with."
"Well, she has dated a lot (SNAPS)."
"Were Reichen and Rodiney there?"
"No they were fighting and redesigning their house."
"Which do we talk about first, the design or the fights?"
"Girl, the design was bad."
"They must have done it themselves."
"No, they said they had a real designer and they picked out this chincy carpet and this velvet chair and this lantern thing that looks like they stole it from the back patio of some tacky gay club and those like Moroccan orb things. Girl, it was like a Middle Eastern whorehouse up in there."
"They didn't get a real designer, they just asked the lady at Pier One for some help and then told everyone she was a designer."
"Right. Well, they're fighting because Reichen wants to sleep around and it upsets Rodiney."
"Ew, who wants to sleep with Reichen?"
"Yeah, I would too."
"I think Rodiney is really unhappy because she can't get a job as a model. Everyone says she's too Miami. And she lies about her size."
"Girl, who doesn't add an inch or two on Manhunt. I say I'm nine just so people will think that I have seven but I really have six."
"I say I have five so people think I have four and when I show up with seven it's like they won the fucking lottery. Dick for days, girl."
"Oh, girl, that's good."
"But Rodiney doesn't lie about her dick size..."
"Well, she probably does."
"True, but she lies about her height. She all tried to tell the modeling agency he was 5'11", and then those bitches were like, 'Mmmhhhhmmm,' and pulled out the measuring tape."
"Don't say that about his face!"
"Ha. Werk!" (SNAPS)
"So they all go to Big Top on Thursday."
"Girl, remember when we went and I got so wasted that you found me passed out in the stall with some boy's underwear around my neck?"
"Ugh, girl. Let's no go back there, please."
"Were they that messy?"
"Reichen got wasted and started hitting on this guy and then Rodiney tried to talk to him, but her English gets even worse when she's drunk. So they just fought the next day."
"Why don't they just have threeways?"
"Ew, who would want to have a threeway with Reichen and Rodiney?"
"Yeah, girl. Me too. Me too."