A close study of media reports and peer-reviewed studies reveals that there are only three kinds of college students left in America: the snobs; the dropouts; and the cheaters. These are their stories.
THE SNOBS: These kids go to fancy, expensive liberal arts colleges and own a wide variety of Apple products, but still proclaim their affinity for the printed textbook, just because they think it makes them seem more intellectual. "I believe that the codex is one of mankind's best inventions," said one Hamilton College sophomore, to a reporter. Seriously.
THE DROPOUTS: Do you go to community college? You're probably a dropout. Not yet, you say? Sure, give it time. I mean, maybe you'll be that one that beats the odds.
THE CHEATERS: Highly educated academic researchers have finally come out with the definitive meta-study which pinpoints exactly what predicts the rate of cheating on tests among college students. We'll pose it to you in the form of a fun intellectual puzzle, which could appeal to Snobs and Dropouts alike: Imagine you're taking a test, for college. Is there anyone watching you take it? No? Then you're gonna cheat.
College is worth it.