China Is Stealing All the Earth!S

The Way We Live Now: a sort of Ebay lifestyle. Back when we were pocketing billions, we never thought we'd be auctioning off our bedroom slippers just to make ends meet. Then again, we never thought China'd have money. China???

Cause let's be honest, I mean, not to get myself in trouble with the "PC" crowd, but isn't American the greatest country #1 for all the money, when it comes to stealing? Think for example of a hometown hero who went by the name of Bernie Madoff, biggest billionaire barn-burner since the Carnegie years. And now, thanks to nothing more than a little screwball thrown by a man by the name of Fate, they're auctioning off Bernie's diamond rings and his bedroom slippers so any average joe can be walking around pretending to be the kind, Bernie Madoff.

There's nothing wrong with Ebay, you know, we're very bullish on its results today, call it a "buy" if you will (ha). But come on and get real fellows: there's no amount of auctioneered memorabilia anywhere here in the USA that can save us from the simple fact that China controls all of the world's, quote, "Rare Earths," and without these Rare Earths, the simple fact is, of course, plainly, we'll be left without any earths at all, for America.

So while all you typical Americans are celebrating a good day on Wall Street and plotting how to use your ill-gotten gains to further your collection of ill-gotten slippers, meanwhile the rest of the world is catching us. They're even ending poverty in Chile! Do you want third-world miners tunneling into your vaults, America, and sucking them dry?

World domination. You can't buy that on Ebay. Yet.

[Pic via]