News came in today that budding country star Gwyneth Paltrow will be performing her sure-to-be-hit song "Country Strong", from the movie of the same name, at the Country Music Awards. Oh brother. What other ridiculous things could Paltrow do next?
She is friends with Jay-Z, after all! So for a movie about a no-nonsense record executive who discovers a hot underground rapper, named Phelony or something, Gwyneth's character ends up singing on a record with her find. The film's soundtrack single "White Whispah Willowz" becomes a smash hit in the real world, Gwyneth is featured at the BET Awards and graces the cover of The Source in fly-girl gear. Rap success forever and ever.
Race Car Driver
Sick of watching other beauties like Danica Patrick take all the acclaim, the expat Paltrow could decide to enter Europe's formidable Formula One racing circuit. "It's a lot like cooking," she'll tell a fawning reporter for British Elle. "Tiny ingredients that build toward success. Plus my boys just think it's such a gas!" She'll narrowly escape a terrible crash in Monaco only to rally and win the Grand Prix. Then she'll drive off into the sunset, shimmering hair dancing in the wind.
Terribly in touch with the ills of the working man, Paltrow returns to the United States and runs for some prominent kind of office. A New York senator or something. She makes stirring videos filmed in her London triple-home or her Tribeca dream palace, saying "I am you" while Chris Martin serves her Paltrow-brand Fancy Feast, a healthful mash of bulgar and salmon that she cooked up herself, in an antique crystal goblet. She loses in a landslide, but at least her message got out.
What other world could the ever-diversifying Paltrow conquer?