The Plague of Michelle Trachtenberg Is Finally Upon UsS

We've been dreading it for a long time. And now she might get her own TV show. Repent! Also today: Some news about Conan's new show, some news about other TBS shows, some news about Kelly Ripa, and you're Dushku'd.

No. Just no. Incorrect. Try again. Do not collect two hundred anything. No. No, Stephanie Savage and Josh Schwartz, you are not developing a show for Michelle Trachtenberg. No it is not "an idea by Trachtenberg ... [about] a young criminology student with a gift for profiling and a dark past." No! No! The only show that you are allowed to make starring Michelle Trachtenberg is called Box to Siberia, about Michelle Trachtenberg being put in a box and mailed to Siberia. That is it. No, Josh and Stephanie. No. But! Yes to Ghost Angeles, another pilot that Schwartz is working on for NBC, a "supernatural romance" set to star Rachel Bilson. I mean, that title is hilariously awful, but Rachel Bilson is hilariously likable. Now just give Autumn Reeser a TV show, Josh, and maybe, mayyyybe, you will be allowed to do this Trachtenberg thing. You gotta give to get, Josh. You gotta give to get. [Deadline]

Conan, the walking talking TBS consolation prize, has announced its first lineup of guests. Notables such as Charlyne Yi and the winner of an online poll will be sitting on Mr. O'Brien's couch (or whatever it's gonna be). So, good guests! Oh, nooo, I'm just kidding. Those people will be on, but so will Jon Hamm and Seth Rogen and Tom Hanks and Julie Bowen and Jack McBrayer and Michael Cera. I am very excited for this show! I hope it is very, very weird. Like Auto-Erotic Asphyxiating Bear weird. [THR]

Let's just leave the channel on TBS for a second here. The network has ordered two new comedy pilots, because they are, as we know, very funny. First is a show called Hound Dogs, a mockumentary about the filming of that Dakota Fanning rape movie. No! That would not be very funny probably. It is actually a comedy about a minor league baseball team from Ron "Bull Durham" Shelton. That man knows his baseball! The other is called Wedding Band and it is about a wedding band. It is different from The Wedding Singer because the word "the" isn't there and plus "band" is a different word than "singer". Very funny indeed. [Variety]

Ratings! The actually-pretty-good (I think so!) Law & Order: Lorst Angrileez has reversed its downward ratings trend and bounced back up. Last night's white Muslim jihadists story (with one of the grimmest openings of a non-SVU episode in a while) earned 8.6m viewers, and beat current hit The Defenders in the ol' ratings share game. Still, more people watched The Defenders, 10 million. So. You people are still watching that show, huh? Still watching the Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell Las Vegas lawyers show. I hope most of you are in comas and just can't change the channel and are watching it unwittingly. I really hope that. I really do hope most of you are in comas. For your sake. [THR]

So Kelly Ripa is executive-producing and getting ready to recur on a new show called Port Love, about the backstage antics at a once-popular network series. The show will star her husband Mark Consuelos. I'm so torn about Kelly Ripa! Sometimes she really is funny and game for anything and I think "Huh, you're all right." Other times she is just so manic and hoarse and yelling at me for some reason. (Fun Fact: She also lives or at least used to live upstairs from a certain boss of mine...) She's a tricky beast, that Ripa. This Port Love is going to be single-camera, which is good, and I like backstage stuff, so... we'll see! I've got my eye on you, Ripa. [Deadline]

Uh, um. Here... here's a towel if you... need to... um. Clean yourself. Up. God you nerds are gross. All I said was "Here's a photo of Eliza Dushku on The Big Bang Theory" and you went and did... that... in your pants. [EW]