Will Our Drunk Teen Parents Survive to See the Future?S

Helmet brains! Weird veneers! Teen pregnancy! Teen car crashes! Impotent fish oil! Blue Collar Yoga! Banana machines! Alzheimer's ladies! Laser faces! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and it only hurts a little bit!

  • Speaking of how dangerous football is because of all the concussions it gives you, you football players won't be saved by helmets. You'll get all messed up in the brain even with those helmets. FYI.
  • People finally noticed that blinding white veneers look creepy and weird, so now people are getting veneers with flaws built into them that look more realistic. Or, for five dollars get some dude to punch you in the mouth.
  • National teen pregnancy rates are down, though not uniformly—teen birth rates are highest in southern states, while New York's rate is among the lowest. Except probably in Queens, which is like the 1955 Natchez, Missisippi of New York. Heh.
  • Also teen drivers are getting in fewer fatal accidents. Good cause babies hate accidents.
  • Do you have the "tipsy gene?" Yep.
  • Fish oil doesn't do anything to help postpartum depression or to make your baby smarter. But it does help show the fish who's boss.
  • The latest thing that's happening out there: Blue Collar Yoga. It consists of Larry the Cable Guy, doing yoga.
  • We all want kids to eat healthy in school, but how are they supposed to when our nation's greatest scientists can't design a banana vending machine that doesn't bruise the banana when it drops the banana down in the vending machine when you pay for it? I have an idea for a better banana machine, scientists email me. The key is not dropping the banana.
  • "Alzheimer's: Largely a Women's Issue." Whew!
  • Are you a woman who wants nice-looking skin? Lasers are the answer. Have lasers literally blast you in the face, it's the only way you'll look decent. Sorry, ladies.
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