It is proven science that the eight guidos involved in Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, are biological mutations. As they leave Miami for good, let's see how the natural world has turned against them.
The Great Guido Migration of 2010 has come to a close and our subjects are about to fly north for the spring and summer where they can cavort, cohabitate, and mate in their normal breeding grounds, Seaside Heights, New Jersey. But because of their freakish nature, the creatures of the earth are sent to attack them, to eradicate this creature with its dark skin, unnatural musculature, enormous breasts, and invincible vagina bones. But before we get to that, we must address some of their terminology.
- Spin Circles: This is what one guido does to another guido to prove he's superior. You would think the term evolved from boxing, where the winning fighter circles his opponent while he lies on the mat, but it is truly derived from an ancient guido ritual that said if a man could run around another man three times in rapid succession, he is allowed to steal the man's donkey.
- Off the Roof: This means something, like Snooki's blood pressure, that has escalated to the point that it might kill you. It's like a man has climbed up to the top of the building and jumped off. For example, "Ronnie's consumption of a certain powder has gone off the roof."
- "Give the Cat a Meatball": This means to appease someone who is upset, depressed, unruly, or otherwise acting out by giving them something they want. It is actually a line from an old guido nursery rhyme that children sing on the playground. It goes something like this:
Ollie, Ollie off the wall,
Tell the children not to cry.
Give the cat a meatball
And nobody will die.
The attacks against the subjects of our experiment started when they went to go visit their ancestors in the Everglades. Humans believe (erroneously) that they have evolved from some sort of primate like the ape, monkey, or chimpanzee. This evolution thing really hasn't been proven yet, so until there are some hard facts to back it up, we are loathe to believe it's true. The guido should learn some skepticism too, for they believe that they are descendants of amphibious reptiles like alligators and crocodiles. That is what explains their preternatural ability to build muscle, the largeness of their mouths, and the tough nature of their skin. They believe that the tail of the crocodile actually shrunk and wrapped around the crotch of a woman, and that is the cause of their vagina bones. The female's ability to breath only through her breasts (which is why they are always exposed in cleavage-baring garments) is a direct result of the giant nostrils that allow the alligator to breathe even as it swims through water.
But when they arrive at the home of their biological predecessors, they are not welcome.
As The Situation says, they are now fish out of water. They have evolved past the point of associating with their neolithic counterparts. Not only that, but the water-borne creatures and insects are now attacking the guido much like the white blood cells attack an invading agent in a human body. They are no longer welcome in this biosphere, and are being run off by the natural inhabitants.
Also unnatural is the relationships that two of the male guidos formed with women outside of the tribe. DJ Paulie Diplomat is carrying on with Rocio. We have discovered, through investigations at the CIA that Rocio is, in fact, a Cuban spy. All the governments of the world want to steal the male guidos for their hardy, reptilian DNA to strengthen their gene pools. That is why the non-guidette women they encounter are always foreign. Rocio, like the rest, is really a spy. In fact she is a great-granddaughter of Fidel Castro himself and she has been tasked with getting impregnated by DJ Paulie Diaspora. She almost succeeded in her mission, but like the heroines of so many action movies, she made the mistake of falling in love with her target. After their final date, she doesn't sleep with DJ Paulie (Pierce)D because she hopes their love will carry on. It will not, and she will have to return to great-grandpa and admit her failure. Poor Rocio. Unless she gives a cat a meatball, someone will die.
Ramona the Romanian, the diabolical espionage agent after Vinny, is a bit more successful. She doesn't just want Vinny's seed, but to take him back to her native land where the government will use him to stud a whole generation of powerful half-guido warriors. She has done her job because Vinny just can't give her up, even though she treats him like crap, repeatedly shows up late, and otherwise gives every indication that she's just "not that into him" (to quote from Sex and the City, the former greatest sociological experiment of our time). She makes him promise that he will see her again, and he agrees. That is when she will be waiting with a stun gun and two plane tickets to Bucharest.
But while Vinny waits for his date with destiny and Reunion with Ramana the Romonian (damn, that is hard to type) he is tempted by two craven sluts who don't seem to work for any government. These black market arms dealers want to trap a guido, any guido, and sell his seed on the black market for top dollar.
This rouge pair realize that they are not attractive enough for a direct assault on the guido. Their targets may not be able to detect a spy, but they are experts at spotting a grenade. These ladies do know that the guido's weakness is math and they believe that two grenades equals one hot girl, so they'll compound the horror of having sex with a hot girl for the glory of having a three-way. Somehow this balances out the equation.
Vinny is the most honorable of our subjects, and won't cheat on Rabubba the Ramshacklian. So noble, that Vinny. The Situation, who has a taste for Vinny's left overs like a hyena has a hankering for the scraps of zebra meat hanging off a bone, swoops right in and takes the two ladies up on their offer of easy sex. He takes them to the most sacred of spaces to the guido—the bathroom—and they both give him head. He thinks that they are just some "nice" girls who are really into his "situation," so he didn't even warn them before ejaculating into one of their mouths.
That was their plan all along. As soon as they left the rest room, this black market arms dealer spit her precious cargo into a test tube so that they could hurry off to their secret lab and freeze it. Fidel will give them a pile of money for succeeding where his great-granddaughter failed. And if you look closely at the end of the video, it shows JWOWW making a sort of retching, spitting motion with her mouth. No, she is not feigning vomiting at the thought of The Situation getting head in the bathroom, she's instructing these mules how to deposit their product. Is she a double agent? Is that why all of these skanks from other countries have such easy access to the men? Is JWOWW ushering them in? What a sly minx!
Before we find out, we have to address the stupidity of our subjects Sammi and Ronnie. We all know that Sammi is a Helen of Troy type. She likes it best when men are fighting over her, but when they're not fighting over her, she wants them fighting with her. It's as if her man must always jump through obstacles to prove that he still loves her. Even after all this time she is still not secure in her love for Ronnie. Considering all the cheating and lying he did earlier during the Migration, it's no wonder. Usually Sammi takes some sort of statement or perceive slight and turns it into a big deal, but this is the first time that she has started an argument over exactly nothing.
This fight makes absolutely no sense at all. We're not sure why Sammi is upset and we're befuddled why Ronnie wants an apology. This is basically drama for drama's sake. Remember when Ronnie and Sammi were in love and not fighting at the very beginning of their dalliance. Man, those were the sweetest seven seconds of the whole affair.
They were not the only ones engaging in stupid fights that made no sense. On the guidos' last night in Miami they decided to settle down for a night of tacos and parlor games to celebrate the breaking up of their "family" while they all hustle up north for a summer of fun. Snooki made the tacos (with begrudging, passive-aggressive help from Sammi) and Ronnie came by and said, "Hey, Snooks, add this ingredient to your tacos. It's my favorite spice, Bolivian marching powder."
After dinner, everyone was very wired, restless, and fidgety. We're not sure why they were behaving strangely, but they began to grind their jaws, tap their fingers, move about erratically, jabber on, and be generally on edge. Hm. Maybe it was something in the tacos?
When talking about who was the "fakest" in the house, The Situation said it was JWOWW and Snooki said she saw DJ Paulie Dismiss and Vinny nodding their heads in agreement. We're not sure exactly what happened next because everyone's speech was a bit hurried and nonsensical. How did that happen? Anyway, it culminated in this altercation between DJ Paulie Dianetics and JWOWW at the Jacuzzi.
Yes, this was an entire fight over absolutely nothing. And after it was determined that DJ Paulie Disarmed had not, in fact, called JWOWW fake and that Snooki never told JWOWW that she said he called her fake, the argument continued. Snooki and JWOWW yelled at each other because they were both spreading misinformation. Then Snooki started cleaning, because absolutely sober people always feel an impossible compulsion to clean and organize. Yes, that is it. And just as quickly as it started, the whole thing was over and forgotten. The guido, especially when "sober" is so calm and rational, it is astounding.
This whole thing must have been caused by some sort of separation anxiety that this "family" is feeling. Because they are going to be ripped apart and sent back to the mother's basements and outer boroughs from which they came, they are raging against each other, hoping for the next phase of the experiment so that they can be reunited once again.
And with that, the natural world had one more evil omen for the guidos.
What they didn't know was that was not a crow at all. No, it was their forsaken household god, The Duck Phone. When the guidos moved to Miami and forgot all about it, it turned dark and evil. Without people to worship it, the Duck Phone grew blacker and blacker, day by day and slowly, with each passing minute without adulation, it's quack turned into a squawk. Like Snooki says, crows always mean murder, and the Duck Phone is coming for its former worshipers. This was just a warning, a loud bleat or two to let them know that he is watching, and with that, he flew away. Just like they got into their black Escalades and motored toward the thawing meadows of the Northeast, so was the crow flying with the cold wind at his back and his feathers in a ruffle. He caught up with all its crow buddies, assembling them into a tribe of his own. A tribe full of vengeance hellbent on tracking every move the guidos make and ruining them. Yes, the crow flew away, but it is flying towards them, closer and closer, gaining in power, until one day in January, when it will come back for the kill.