Did you know that we are ruled by the New Elite, a category of alleged "humans" so disconnected from mainstream America that they haven't even heard of Branson, Missouri? It's true! The Washington Post says so! You could be one!
Do you read the Post's hilarious humor page, "Outlook & Opinions"? You should start! Sunday's edition featured this laugh-a-minute riot from the wonderful Dr. Charles Murray, who once wrote an entire book about why black people are stupid. It's called "The tea party warns of a New Elite. They're right," and it's all about the New Elite, which is a catchy name for a never-before-described demographic category, and how this "New Elite" doesn't know about NASCAR, Sport of the People, and have never belonged to a Rotary Club, which is some kind of NASCAR fan club, and it is very well-researched and thought out and filled with brand-new ideas about culture. ("It is hard to get numbers," writes Murray, about his Theory of the New Elite. No numbers? No statistics? No quantitative data to work from? And yet he bravely soldiers on! What courage!)
Oh no! You are probably thinking. Am I a New Elite? Well, almost certainly you are, due to your computer, which is not NASCAR-themed or approved. But let us help you! Take this brief quiz, based on some of the cutting-edge cultural observations Murray makes in his terrific piece:
1. Were you ensconced somewhere besides an affluent suburb since birth?
2. Do you have any idea who replaced Bob Barker on The Price Is Right?
3. Have you ever watched an Oprah show from beginning to end?
4. Do you know who Jimmie Johnson is (the really famous Jimmie Johnson, not the former Dallas Cowboys coach)?
5. Have you ever read a "Left Behind" novel? Or a Harlequin romance?
6. Would you be caught dead in an RV or cruise ship?
7. Have you ever heard of Branson, Missouri? [Ed. note: Uh. What?]
8. Have you ever attended a meeting of a Kiwanis Club or Rotary Club?
9. Have you ever lived for more than a year in a small town? College doesn't count!
10. Have you ever lived in an urban neighborhood in which most of their neighbors did not have college degrees? Gentrifying neighborhoods don't count!
11. Do you have a close friend who is an evangelical Christian?
If you answered "no" to six or more questions, you are definitely a New Elite! That, or a new immigrant. We recommend you join a Kiwanis club.