Mixture of Caffeine and Alcohol: The Cause of Everything BadS

In America, we trust our kids to responsibly consume rum and coke, or vodka and Red Bull, or six crushed-up Vivarins dissolved in a Solo cup full of Everclear. But caffeine and alcohol in the same can? Absolutely not.

Ramapo College, New Jersey's leading college, has already banned caffeine-and-alcohol-in-one drinks, with the school's president saying "I do not see any socially redeeming purpose being served by these beverages." Unlike regular booze! Separately, after a spate of blackouts at Central Washington University, the attorney general of Washington's opened an investigation into nasty-ass caffeine drank Four Loko, saying "You have a product where people don't appreciate how much alcohol they're consuming."

Unlike "punch!" (With booze).

And now, of course, it's a full-blown scapegoating operation, which will likely result in harsh legal restrictions on these gross juvenile drinks. Which, you know, fine. But isn't the real issue here that kids are stupid? The reason responsible adults don't generally go around drinking Four Loko is because the shit is vomit-inducingly disgusting, apart from its particular mix of stimulants and depressants. Got a problem with intoxicating products masquerading as something harmless to attract stupid kids? You'll also want to ban Cisco, and MD 20/20, and Jello shots, and "the choking game." And perhaps the ages 15-25, just to be safe.

Let's send these kids straight to speedballing.