Random Hobo Takes Over $100 Billion EmpireS

The Way We Live Now: making sacrifices to the oracle. If it demands we mortgage our underwater home to the hilt in order to raise cash to pacify the oracle, then lo, we shall. The oracle's blessing is luxury itself.

Warren Buffett, oracle of Omaha, which is just some shitty city in Nebraska! What a dude, mostly due to being rich. He also has a folksy style that makes him more endearing than the average plutocrat who may or may not have his own private army. But Warren's getting on up there in years, and he won't be able to sit around making billions and billions for investors forever. So he went ahead an named a successor, which is only like the most important successor since some new King took over in England in the olden days when that was important, probably.

And his successor is just some unknown dude.

Isn't that just unbearably folksy? Whereas Goldman Sachs and its ilk would never imagine just letting some outsider waltz in and take over the joint, there was Warren Buffett, practically passing out job applications at the local Omaha job fair, to run his $100 billion firm. It's downright inspiring, in the most rarefied way possible.

So next time you hear bad news about Iraqi banks being short a few billion or job losses mucking up our treasured economic recovery, just remember: there's a new hero man out in the dusty plains, waiting in the wings to buoy our patriotic economy onwards and upwards, using nothing but American values.

Sure hope Buffett's not senile yet.