Everyone Has Reached Climax With Torture PornS

It's true. We're all sweaty, breathing heavily, and done. Just finished. Fitting that everything came to an end on Halloween weekend. A weekend full of other terrors.

1) Saw 3D — $22.5M
Though this did do better than Saw VI last year, this is still supposed to be the last one. I mean, most of that sum came from expensive 3D tickets anyway. And I think seven movies about one guy (who died and then came back?) setting up moralistic steampunk torture devices is probably enough, y'know? I mean, how much further can you really go. "Saw VIII finds the reanimated spirits of Jigsaw and the girl from Becker resurrecting the sexy professor lady from 90210 and locking up a new crew of weirdos in a drippy basement. The victims awake to find themselves strapped to drafting tables and forced to come up with new ideas for torture devices for future movies, or else they'll be, we dunno, killed by knives and buried under the Lionsgate offices." I would actually start to feel a little unsettled by a screenwriter who could come up with more torture devices than have already been featured in the series. I mean, the human body only does so many things! Just look at regular, non-torture porn. I mean, they ran out of new things to do years ago. (Well, sort of.)

2) Paranormal Activity 2 — $16.5M
This week's other scary movie dropped a hefty 60% from last week's debut, even though it was Halloween and everything. I guess people were too busy getting drunk and stumbling through town in their slapped-together costumes. Isn't that the worst thing about Halloween being on a Sunday, that there were are least three days of drunk yo-yos roaming around in stupid costumes? That is probably three too many days of that! I know that I am an awful, grumpy jerk for saying this, but the sight of human grownups stumbling around in capes and masks and stupid hats and carrying plastic props is increasingly pretty profoundly annoying to me. I was at a restaurant on Saturday night and there were people there, just sitting and having dinner, wearing Indian headdresses and blood makeup and things. Just at dinner. There was even a sassy gay dinosaur who was strutting around the place, waving his tail around! I mean, come on, ladies and gentlemen. If you're gonna do it, keep it in private. At least be at a person's party. Don't be sitting at a public restaurant worrying that stuffing enchiladas in your mouth is going to ruin your vampire makeup. It's just not very becoming. I'm sorry, I know I am the meanest. But it's just not.

4) Jackass 3D — $8.4M
Well, this movie has now made more than $100m. So that's good. We live in penurious, disaster-plagued end times (you're wrong, Stewart!) and yet we still have $100m to spend on Art Crotch: The Movie. We're simple, oblivious, wonderful people, I suppose.

13) The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest — $915K
In just about 150 theaters, this little Swedish flick didn't do half bad. Everyone is finally catching on to the fact that it's OK to see a foreign movie that's based on a book you liked, because you already read the book, so reading the subtitles is basically the same thing! Isn't that amazing, how you can figure things out like that? Plus, Noomi Rapace is getting all this buzz and has basically been offered all the movie roles since. So far she's just taken the lady lead in Sherlock Holmes 2, but there will be more to come, for sure. And you won't even have to read those ones! You can just sit back and let it all happen to you. The way things should be forever.

48) Monsters — $21K
This movie is only out on three screens right now, so you probably didn't see it. I didn't see it either! But it looks kinda good, huh? Sort of like the dreamy Terence Malick version of District 9. Apparently you barely even see the aliens. It's mostly just shots of the two actors walking around, using mostly improvised dialogue, and marveling at various scenery. So, um, does that make you want to see it? You know, that tiny-budgeted, ruminative alien movie where you barely see the aliens? Hm. Maybe I kinda get why it opened on only three screens to start with. Gotta see how the thing plays. Just gotta wait and see. Meanwhile, go have fun in your soiled-looking milkmaid costume and stand outside my window at 4am, wailing to someone on your phone about how you "can't do it this way.... Just can't do it this way anymore!!!! I don't WANNA go home, I'm staying OUT. I don't know, she's at the ATM!!! I can't do it anymore!!!!! Noooo, I'm not coming home..." Then crumple into a ball on a LES sidewalk and weep, loudly. You'll do that because you are an adult. (This is was an actual person. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for blowing up your spot.)