For most of us, July 4th is just a steamy, fading memory. But the cast of Logo's The A-List must relive it again and again as they fight and fuss their way across Fire Island. Oh, what a scene.
We were on Fire Island for the Fourth of July as well, but we seem to have missed all the shenanigans. Luckily we overheard obnoxious fags Dustin and Jayden talking all about the events of the day at Sip 'N' Twirl on July 5th. Here's what they had to say.
"Lady! Love your striped tank top."
"No, lady. I love your striped tank top."
"Guess who else was wearing a striped tank top?"
"Ew, is he here with his nasty, small-dicked boyfriend Reichen?"
"Yes, did you see them?"
"No, did they go to Low Tea?"
"No they didn't go to any Tea. They just went to the Invasion, and then they went and crashed at another house."
"God, they love to do that don't they?"
"Yeah. Apparently they were crashing at a pool in the Hamptons a few days ago. God, do those queens every actually go in any of the houses?"
"I think they just sidle up to the pool, take their shirts off, and if any queen is home they just let them stay."
"Good thing Reichen wears board shorts. If everyone saw her basket in a Speedo she'd never get another invitation."
"It's bad enough she has a small dick, but then she brought Austin."
"Isn't a sow like a cow?"
"Whatever. It's fat. Who cares."
"Girl! (SNAPS) "Did you hear about her photographs?"
"She did that naked photo shoot and she went to go pick up the photographs and the photographer was like, 'You fat!' and he was like, 'Whatever, give me a CD,' and the photographer was like 'Whatever, fattie, I'll email you the pictures, but they might be so fat that they'll break your computer.'"
"Well, she got all naked again when she crashed that house with Reichen and Can-I-Buy-a-Vowel Rodiney. Then Derek showed up with TJ and he was lounging on this blow-up swan..."
"Did they steal it from the Pavilion?"
"Girl, some queens stole the inflatable swans from the pool behind the Pavilion."
"I bet it was them. Those swans look expensive, and you know how cheap those queens are."
"So, what happened with the fight?"
"Austin and Derek were all yelling at each other like 'Mew mew mew mew mew,' and then Derek and TJ went back to the city because they didn't have a place to stay either."
"What happened with Austin?"
"Reichen yelled at him a bunch and then they just sat around the pool until Austin passed out in a deck chair and then he woke up at like eleven and went to Pavilion where he got even more fucked up and my friend Stephen..."
"Stephen who lives in that house with the room that's all mirrors?"
"No, Stephen who got attacked by the deer in the Meat Rack. Anyway, he found him passed out under the Dick Dock this morning."
"Damn, I'm amazed Reichen could even afford her ticket on the ferry."
"Girl, she got fired from her play! Her agent was like 'It's cause you're too expensive,' but we know it's cause she sucked and they needed to replace her."
"A mime could do a better job of singing."
"A chimp could."
"A mannequin could."
"A cardboard cutout of Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria could!"
"So, now Reichen is all, 'Rodiney, you need to make some money,' and Rodiney is all, 'I'll make a naked calendar. I'll be a nightlife promoter. I'll be a houseboy in the Hamptons. I'll advertise massages on Craigslist.'"
"Damn girl, they hard up. Maybe Reichen got fired because of how he looked in drag."
"Well, you know that Derek had a drag party."
"Was this before or after she had her lips done?"
"After, cause she thought she'd look more like Marilyn Monroe if she looked like a faggy duck."
"Ha! Yes. So, all the boys came over in full drags, including Reichen. Lady, she was hideous! It was like someone took a brick, wrapped it in tin foil, painted some makeup on it, and then paraded it down the street."
"Ew, that's nastier than Ryan getting a boner when he got a colonic from a lady."
"Girl, girl, girl, girl, GIRL. What did you just say?"
"Ryan got a boner when a lady gave him a colonic."
"That right there is everything disgusting all at once. It was like looking at Reichen's career."
"Or Rodiney's job prospects."
"Or Derek's duck lips."
"Or Austin's belly."