Oh Christ: Cats Make You HealthyS

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

  • Diet scientists, or "Dentists," have discovered the elusive "dream diet." You sleep all the time, and you lose weight! Hahaha. But seriously, chaining someone to a mattress has been known to be effective.
  • There's a new surgery out there to treat asthma. Wanna know what it is? They don't pay me like a doctor, I'm not a doctor, go ask a doctor, or go to medical school your damn self. Or pay me a hundred dollars, I'll tell you.
  • What should athletes do about concussions? Neurologists say they should stop getting whomped on the head, and if they do get whomped on the head, try not to get whomped on the head again too soon afterwards. The NFL responded by whomping neurologists on the head.
  • New research shows that working out regularly can help fend off the common cold. After considering and discarding three different jokes for being too Jay Leno-ish, we're just going to move on.
  • Adolescents who suffer from depression often get depressed again within five years, usually when they start to consider the fact that they're totally worthless. (And unloved).
  • Scientists have invented a robotic hand. Get it off!
  • If you're a good bluffer, it's probably because your mind is wired differently than those who don't have the skill. And because you're a fucking liar.
  • What makes people healthy? Cats. Cats! Catsssssssssssssssss!!! We're disgusted.
[Pic: Shutterstock]