The Way We Live Now: making you an offer. A helluva offer! An offer that—we won't say you can't refuse it, but you'd certainly lose most of your social standing by doing so. Winners take offers! Offers like this!

A little mighty American company that you might have heard of by the name of GM is making an offer of 365 million shares—to you, the public! Why let the government have all the fun? Get in on the ground floor, of the NEW GM. These "cars" are going to be big in the 21st century, and beyond.

But that's not all!

Act now, and we'll also allow you to invest in the most massive casino center ever built in Las Vegas, right smack dab in the worst period of that Gomorrah's financial history! We'll even throw in drink tickets! Ten dollars in free slot play! Donny and Marie tickets!

And more!

If you bail out the broke city of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, we can also offer you an exclusive chance to express your vociferous support for a tax cut for those making far more money than you. And if you call in the next five minutes, you can own your very own home!

Oops, time's up!

Have no fear, America. This once-in-a-lifetime offer comes with an absolute guarantee that any accompanying regulatory measures will be hollow and ultimately worthless. Endanger commerce for safety? Maybe in Russia! Or maybe not!

Email me your bank account number now! All your friends have already done so. Don't be a black sheep, a sore thumb, a hippiefied thinker who get along and go along. Nobody likes a squeaky wheel! Whiners never win! Act now, or else!