As you were type-type-typing a love sext to your beloved this morning, you likely wondered: "What does tabloid sexophobe Andrea Peyser think about this new sex-enabling communication technology?" Spoiler: Andrea prefers to talk about sex and dog poop in person.

Sex-positive xenophobe Peyser begins her column today with a little story about her "friend," who did the dirty with some dude only to find out later that the dude wasn't so sincere in his lovey sexxxt messages and Facebook flingmails. This provides an opportunity for Andrea to preach on how "electronics are ripping at society's fragile veneer," as our once-great Freedomland becomes increasingly populated by pussies who "reveal their innermost, if fleeting, thoughts on Twitter, but eye contact is terrifying."

Once, you might have knocked on your neighbor's door to complain about dog poop. Now, there is a frightening Web site,, in which folks who wouldn't dream of talking in the flesh rant menacingly about minor annoyances

Make no mistake: Andrea Peyser will personally come to your home, knock on the door, stare you directly in the eye, and talk about dog poop. Then she will refuse to be your Facebook friend until such time that you are actually married, and then she'll put "Married to (Your Name)" on her Facebook page, but that's it, she still won't sext with you, so forget it.