Jessica Alba Bites the Hands that Feed Her, and Other Embarrassing DisastersS

The actress says some very dumb things about screenwriters, who give her work. Also today: Is Robert Pattinson going to propose? LeAnn Rimes calls in sick with a case of "Husband Stealeritis." And Kate Gosselin has a productive Halloween.

  • Hahahahaha. WHAT is Jessica Alba thinking with this quote from her new Elle magazine interview? "Good actors, never use the script unless it's amazing writing. All the good actors I've worked with, they all say whatever they want to say." Hahahah. WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT. Has she been in any Christopher Guest movies that I'm not remembering? Is she talking about actors down at the Second City? I mean, what? Maybe she's talking about Dane Cook's brilliant free-form work in Good Luck Chuck. Or the indefatigable Chris Evans in Milos Forman's The Fantastic Four? Maybe that's what she means? Oh Jessica Alba. Oh honey. Noooo. [Celebitchy]

    • Someone is feeling blue. (That is a reference to a song that you will get right after this sentence.) Country singer LeAnn Rimes — who I think is still making music? or maybe just hosting USA country singer competition shows? — was a noticeable no-show at the party for her Shape magazine cover, claiming she was home with the flu. Riiiight. Many people suspect it's because readers wrote letters to the editor of that trusted, Pulitzer-winning publication, saying they didn't approve of Rimes because she and Baywatch Nights star Eddie Cibrian stepped out on their respective spouses to get country-freaky. Which, oh whatever, humans. Stop writing letters about LeAnn Rimes to Shape magazine and go enjoy the wonder and majesty of life. I'm sick of you jerks. Team... well, I guess Team Cibrian? [P6]

    • Haha/weep. Known Ferengi Kate Gosselin spent Halloween in exactly the way most good parents spend Halloween: Asleep in the passenger seat of an enormous van while her bodyguard took her kids trick and/or treating. Terrific! "Hey, Steve, just... Just take 'em... I can't... Happy halloww........." I hope she gets another reality show that's called Kate Plus Wine & Pajama Pants & Haughty Disinterest. Great show. [Us]

    • Adorable British person Emma Watson says her favorite thing about America is the bagels. And you Straighty McStraightersons out there (do straight men read this post ever? I honestly have no idea) all were hoping she'd say "My favorite thing about America is the men. They're all so wonderful, smelling of chips, thumbs calloused and eyes glazed like donuts from the video games, black T-shirts with some sort of band decoration on them from a Hoobastank-esque rock concert, magazines featuring nothing but pick-up trucks littering their coffee tables. Just charming." You were hoping she would say that, weren't you?? Well, she didn't. Sorry boys. It's the bagels. [People]

    • Charlie Sheen's bathroom hooker Capri Anderson says that, in addition to being locked in a bathroom while Sheen had what's known in certain circles as a "Cocaine Crisis", the bellicose Two and a Half Men thespian tore up, and tore up good, a $1,600 purse. Just to shreds! She took it to the store the next day and they couldn't repair it. That purse just got SHEEN'D. [TMZ]

    • Quick, put down that limited edition Jacob-scented copy of Twilight Eclipse and listen to this. Edward Cullen, known to loser weirdos by his mortal name Robert Pattinson, is supposedly like totally designing a wedding ring for his secret sweetheart, Bella Swan. I mean, Kristen Stewart. I mean, that hideous hose bitch!!!!!!! If I wasn't such a staunch Team Jacob girl (I just can't resist those baby brown abs!), I would totally be a Team Edward girl (I think the other option is Team Bella's Dad? or maybe Team Peter Facinelli? I'm not sure), so this is basically like that moody twat is stealing my second husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO BACK TO ARIZONA, BITCH. [the ever-reliable Showbiz Spy]

    • Sean Duffy, conservative congressman from Wisconsin who was once on The Real World: Best Town, also known as Boston, you have been served. By your costar Montana no less! The one that gave delicious, evil wine to kids! She said she could never vote for someone like him, because of his conservative Republican ways. So, there you have it. Lines drawn, sides declared. [TMZ]

    • Oh god. Apparently the body of a guy who was on The Bachelorette was found off the highway in the California desert? Yikes. Well, apparently the police don't suspect foul play. So, there's that. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or what. A body alongside the highway out in the desert. The Coen Brothers aren't shooting a new movie, are they? Ugh, sorry. Not a time for joking. Sad. [Us]

    • Famous procreator Bristol Palin is going to be on the Ellen show on Mondee and she is going to say, it seems, that she is "not worried about a boyfriend right now." Does she mean she's not busyin' her able mind with it right now, that kind of "not worrying", or does she mean it more literally? Like, "At the moment I am not worrying about whether my boyfriend has driven his Sno-ATV into a ravine while chugging Jagermeister and motorboating some McGuffin's Moose Hut Booze Pavilion cocktail waitress, as was a common worry with... a certain other boyfriend of mine." Is that the worrying she's talking about? I hope so. [People]
    • [Photo via Getty]