The Secret Government Plot to Make Americans Eat More Cheese

A shadowy governmental organization known as Dairy Management works behind the scenes to force Americans to eat cheese. The New York Times' today reveals that Dairy Management has been partnering with various fast food companies to promote fattening, cheese-laden products.

Dairy Management, a branch of the US Department of Agriculture, is driven by a single goal: Increase the amount of cheese entering American bodies. (And milk. But mainly CHEESE.) Recently, they partnered with Dominoes to introduce a new pizza with 40 percent more cheese, even developing and paying for a marketing campaign. In a report to Congress in 2007, Dairy Management crowed about its progress towards ensuring every food item Americans put in their mouths is draped dunked and/or smothered in cheese (Americans already eat 33 pounds of cheese a year):

In 2007, the department highlighted Pizza Hut's Cheesy Bites pizza, Wendy's "dual Double Melt sandwich concept," and Burger King's Cheesy Angus Bacon cheeseburger and TenderCrisp chicken sandwich. "Both featured two slices of American cheese, a slice of pepper jack and a cheesy sauce," the department said.

The Times breathlessly reports that Dairy Management pushes fatty cheese, even as the USDA works to reduce obesity.

We'd be concerned about this Lactose Mafia, except, know what? BRING IT ON. We love cheese! Gouda, brie, cheddar—especially cheddar!—slap it on some government-subsidized saltines and we will put it into our mouths. Cheese is an integral part of the American experience; in fact NASA first started as a program to extract rich cheese deposits on the moon before the Russians.

Now we need a shadowy government agency to partner with the manufacturers of those toothpicks with little plastic tassels and we'll have a nationwide cheese party to celebrate. Love, love LOVE cheese. Good job, Dairy Management.

[Image via Shutterstock.]