Unborn Children Not as Important as Already Born OnesS

It's true. Just look at the top two movies this weekend. The one for the kids who are already here handily beat out the one about a kid that's on its way. So that proves it.

1) Megamind — $47.7M
Well, no surprise here. Halloween is over, and Christmas (and the Jewish Chanukahs, I suppose) is a long way off, so parents really need something to do with their kids. The long slog of Thanksgiving — a holiday most children don't like, as there is no candy and there are no presents, there are only old, strange-smelling relatives groping at them, only gross dry turkey touching everything else on the plate, only Cousin Rudy and his frighteningly small hands — is almost upon the nation, and parents really need to get their kids in happy moods before that terror begins. So Megamind it is, full of jokes and adventure, something to do on a Saturday, one last chance for good before America's terrible day of thanks. And then, after that, the daily jittery explosions of presents-mania that lead up to Christmas (and the ethnic Kwanzaas, too) will consume the entire house, the dog looking forlornly out the window, across the snow-caked lawn, searching sadly for freedom.

2) Due Date — $33.5M
And one for the fellas. Director Todd "Ballplay" Phillips' latest effort didn't quite match The Hangover's boffo debut, but it still did pretty darn well. Especially considering it's about, in a big way, a pregnant lady, and pregnant ladies are probably what scares dudes the most. Not like fun scared, not Hostel scared. Like abject, soul-grinding terror scared. Basically it's pregnant ladies, followed by actual born kids, followed by the phrase "bus crash leaves entire [blank] team dead." Those are the scariest things. But this weekend, dudes faced at least one of their fears and went to see Due Date. So good for you, dudes.

3) For Colored Girls — $20.1M
While not the strongest of Tyler Perry's openings, considering this one was a Madea-free, choreo-poem heavy adaptation of a play from the 1970s, this did pretty darn well. Perhaps due to Manohla Dargis's gushing, Critics Pick rave of the film. I didn't see the film this weekend, but I did watch Madea's Family Reunion yesterday, and aside from the melodrama and whatnot, it was pretty good. There was one scene where a courting, celibate Christian couple went on a date to a "poets and painters" night at a club, wherein the girl read a poem and the guy (Boris Kodjoe, from Undercovers) painted as she read. Like painting improv, I guess. It was kind of fantastic! Though I do take issue with one thing: Madea is a child abuser. I mean, she really just spent most of that movie hitting children, whether they were strangers on a school bus or relative strangers living in her house. I'm a little concerned about this. And with all the hitting, I was upset that there wasn't more of a climactic battle royale between her and Blair Underwood's wife-abusing character. Let's make that happen, Mr. Perry.

4) Red — $8.8M
Man oh man, does this film keep trucking along. It barely dropped at all from last week! What is it about old people shooting guns that appeals to the masses so? Does this mean that all the entertainment magazines are going to start crowing about the new rise of the elderly in cinema, the way they did about ladies when Devil Wears Prada did so well? I hope not. I hope they instead run articles titled "Movies: Are They Popular Again?" That would be interesting to read, an article about how sometimes movies do well and what that says about movies.

22) 127 Hours — $266K
Averaging $66k on each of its four screens, this movie proved what we've suspected all along: Americans can handle the tough stuff. We're not gonna go all sissy and faint at the sight of someone hacking through their arm with a dull, rusty blade. That's for the French, and other weirdos. No, we can take it. Not only can we take it, we want it. It's the story of America, being trapped in a hard place and making the tough decision to saw our own arms off with small knives. It's depicted in the famous painting of General Washington chopping his own arm off, metal cutting through bone and gristle, as he crossed the Delaware. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers dug crude blades into their skin and tissue and cracked through their ulnae in order to achieve freedom." I............... Oops! Whoa. Heh. Sorry. Just fainted there for a second. Yup. Gross. Never going to see this movie. Nope. Can't do it. Will never. Seriously. You people who forked over $266k this weekend? You're all nuts. Absolutely batshit bonkers. I'm gonna go lie down now.