Fitness myths! Crystal diet! Fat marathons! Kiddie runs! Happy Meals! Carnivore cancer! Wine diet! Boxing girls! And your daily inspiration to make you feel ashamed! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—comparatively poorly!
- Do you believe in stupid things like diet and exercise and eating vegetables? Stupid. Instead you should be reading a book about MYTHS so you don't get suckered into a MYTH like "cutting calories." This book comes to us from Planet Bananas.
- Another good diet—and this one comes from science, in case you were wondering—is to sprinkle crystals on your food, and not only do the crystals make you eat less but they're "flavour-boosting" and you'll probably wonder how you ever went without crystals on your food before. This is not weird.
- Now everybody who was ever fat and ran the marathon is writing "I was fat and I ran the marathon" stories, which should be applauded for, because did you run the marathon? No, even though you had the advantage of magic crystals on your food.
- Now even little kids are getting involved in "fun runs" which are a gateway drug to longer drugs and even marathons. Will these young kids never have the chance to write an "I was fat and I ran the marathon" story, thanks to never being fat, from the "fun runs?" It's a real shame.
- One thing you can do is give your kids lots of Happy Meals to balance this out.
- Go vegetarian or you'll probably get stomach cancer. And you'll deserve it, from the perspective of most cows, who, let's be honest, have the most important perspective, in this particular case.
- Ladies love this new wine-and-nervousness diet for its effectiveness in both the "weight loss" and "how easy is it for you to pass out" categories of fitness.
- Girls these days are boxing to build self confidence, but who's thinking about the self confidence of the boys who get punched in the face by these girls?
- Looks like you don't have any more excuses for not being able to do a pullup.