This New Year's Eve Movie Really Could Be Worse Than Valentine's Day

You didn't think it possibly could be, but they've begun casting and there is some bad news. Also today: Get ready for a Coastguard adventure, a Nicole Richie wonderment, and a bachelorette party show that's sure to stun.

Oh god. Remember New Year's Eve (ha, who ever remembers New Year's Eve?), the upcoming followup to the wildly horrible Valentine's Day? Well... casting has begun in earnest. Some names: Robert DeNiro. Sad, but sure. Michelle Pfeiffer, ditto. But then. Hilary Swank. Awful. Ashton Kutcher. [gunshot]. This movie is just going to be terrific! I mean, Lea Michele AND Abigail Breslin are already signed on! How could this not be amazing?? Imagine a scene between Abigail Breslin, Ashton Kutcher, and Hilary Swank. Do you think the world might collapse in on itself because of the perfect acting storm that that will create? "Stop....Acting.... So... Well!! You're... Killing... Us!!!!!" It sounds dangerous! This is the Hadron Collider of movies. [THR]

OK, I know that news probably bummed you out a lot, so let's look at some positive stuff. NBC is still pretty determined to make that Nicole Richie sitcom! So that's good! C'mon, cheer up. Here's a tissue. Dry those eyes. You like Nicole Richie, huh? Huh? Yeah... There, there. There, there. It's all going to be fine. I know you got really sad last year when the Nicole Richie sitcom didn't get off the ground. But good things sometimes get second chances, and that's what happened here. Nicole Richie. On a sitcom! Just for you! It's a brand new day, huh? [Deadline]

Ron Moore, the guy largely responsible for the Sci-Fi Syfy Stupid Name Channel's brilliant Battlestar Galactica reimagining, has sold a pitch to NBC. The show will be about the Coastguard and is called The McCulloch. Ha. That is a terrible title! That will change. What do you think it will be changed to? Seas of Rage? The Waves? The Voyage of the Mimi 2: Blood Tide? Whatever it is called, it could be very interesting. Oh, I know, ha ha, the Coastguard is lame. But did you know that it's the 12th largest navy in the world? It's true! They have lots of boats and guns. Adventure on the high seas awaits. [THR]

Aha, speaking of Ron Moore. CBS has decided they'd like him to help write a TV remake of the old show The Wild Wild West. Which is great. Remakes of that are always so good. I mean, just really so, so good. Get on it, CBS! It's going to be excellent. [Deadline]

The Cosby Show's Malcolm Jamal Warner has been cast in an episode of Community, as Shirley's ex-husband. Good for Theo! Meanwhile, poor Elvin sits by the phone, waiting for a call that will never come, the dessicated corpse of Cockroach still propped up on the couch next to him. [EW]

Woohoo! The whale's penis turned into a human boy by a cricket's magic known as Channing Tatum might be jumping into Johnny Depp's pants! I mean, into his 21 Jump Street pants. Yeah, they're doing a comedy movie of that old show, a la Starsky and Hutch, with Jonah Hill, and now I guess Channing is getting into the game. Who knows if the meat totem has any comedic chops (chops, heh), but I guess there's only one way to find out. I suppose if Mark Wahlberg can do it, his corn-fed heir apparent probably can too. [The Wrap]

Uh oh. Hide your husbands, hide your sons who work as strippers. Oxygen has greenlit a series called Bachelorette Party about, you guessed it, a roundtable discussion of world news of the day bachelorette parties. Basically each week a bride-to-be will gather with her friends and be sent off to an all-expenses-paid outrageous party in Las Vegas. So, The Hangover, with ladies, who are real. Oxygen has only ordered eight episodes, which is probably a wise move. That way they won't have to toss out too many episodes after bride-to-be McKenzie goes on a coke-and-Hydroxycut rampage, kills bridesmaid Taylor with a straightening iron, and is last seen fleeing across the desert in a stolen '78 Dodge Aspen. It'll be great TV, but y'know, you gotta shut it down after something like that. You just have to. [Deadline]