Wal-Mart—the hellish trinket-stuffed warehouse that is, in a horrifyingly literal sense, America's favorite destination—has instituted totally free online shipping, for the holidays. Try to resist now, hippies. This will change everything, for the worse.
Fuck you, "Amazon Prime," the $79 free online shipping choice of liberal elites. And fuck you, Target's free online shipping with $50 purchase of select products Wal-Mart says that from now until December 20, it'll give everyone free shipping for online purchases of 60,000 different items, no minimum purchase—and if you don't like your newly-acquired Wal-Mart crap, well, the return shipping is free, too.
Wal-Mart is practically running right up in your face and demanding, "Your morals or your money? Huh?" At this point not buying your holiday purchases on Walmart.com requires you to essentially pay an "I dislike Wal-Mart for political reasons" surcharge, which goes into the pocket of a Wal-Mart competitor.
But of course, like any drug, the free online shipping buzz will wear off, and after December 20 everything will go back to normal—but retailers reap such a large percentage of their profits from the holiday season that this stunt could conceivably be enough to make Wal-Mart's entire year, if Americans are unable to see their way through its unassailable financial logic. Don't fall for it, America. One minute you're saving with Walmart.com. The next minute you're working there, since it's the only place left.