Scandal: Labor Board Sympathetic to Labor

The Way We Live Now: grossly violating the rights of unaccountable stateless corporations. Things have gotten so bad that even organized labor has found a safe harbor. Fortunately, a sea of bubbles is coming, to sweep us all away.

We haven't seen a story this outrageous since they did away with the 140-hour work week: it seems that the National Labor Relations Board here in the USA is actually somewhat sympathetic to unions. Here! In America! Was all the work of the robber barons for naught? Christ, once the unions find out that they can bend a friendly ear at the NLRB, next they'll be wanting bathroom breaks and lunch-time and a "minimum" wage below which not even the most competitive businessman can attract hungry workers! We must stop the unions first at the government agencies designated to listen to their complaints; then, at the factory door; and finally, on the airwaves, until we've stigmatized union leaders even worse than corporate plutocrats—in the eyes of the working class itself!

What a glorious day that shall be, if we ever achieve it!

American businesspersons don't have time to be fretting over whether a government bureaucrat will find the whirring blades of their workplace "unsafe." The American businessperson is too busy investing in every last bubble that emerges in this wondrous economic time. Bonds! Commercial real estate! Higher education! Chinese Internet stocks! Rare ostrich feathers! Acme widgets and assorted knick-knacks!

The rare tulip bulbs found in the farthest islands of the South Seas!

So come off your clear and compelling pro-human bias, government bean-counters. Corporations power our great economy, and corporations need raw and unencumbered human flesh to feed upon, for goodness sakes. Next you'll be telling us you want our workers to "eat healthy." That's bad for the economy, too. Wise up.

[1995 Detroit newspaper strike photo: AP]