Horrible Williamsburg Residents Horrified by Arrival of Horrible Chain StoresS

Today the New York Times tells us that the urban locavore purist population of New York's still-hippest neighborhood, Brooklyn's Williamsburg, are furious about the encroachment of Duane Reade and Starbucks into their 'hood. Well, most residents are, anyway.

Amid all the "Duane Reade is greed!" noise, the Times somehow managed to track down the Ultimate Gentrifier to get the pro-chain side of the story:

Shari Lind, who maneuvered a baby stroller occupied by her son Sawyer out the doors of Duane Reade, said she was elated by the chain's presence. "Please, can you bring in Dunkin' Donuts too," she said. "I also want a Bank of America."

A newcomer to Williamsburg from Manhattan, Ms. Lind said she found the neighborhood to be very inconvenient. Many of the chic stores refuse to take credit cards. And, she said, the quaint gourmet coffee shops charge too much. She said she sent an e-mail to Food Emporium imploring the company to open a supermarket in Williamsburg.

"For some reason," she said of her neighbors, "they don't want corporate stores. They don't want convenience."

Ms. Lind, on maternity leave from her job at Victoria Secret's headquarters, said she wanted to move back to the Upper West Side.

Seriously??? No. That woman canNOT be real. I mean, lots of people think that about their neighborhoods (hypothetically, one might wish for a boho deli that sells vegan dumplings to open closer to one's LES apartment), but no one SAYS IT IN THE NEW YORK TIMES. Haha, watch your back, Ms. Lind. Keep an ear out for the swoosh of a tote bag or wallet chain flying toward your head while you walk down Driggs. That is if she's real. She can't be real.

Want further evidence that this whole thing might be a parody? Here's a voice from the opposing side:

But for many Williamsburg residents, chain stores remain the enemy.

"Williamsburg is the Berkeley of New York," Tracy Kinney said as she left King's, pushing her daughter Rowan in a stroller and juggling her son Caspian. "If anyplace is going to reject a chain store, it's Williamsburg. Plus, Duane Reade doesn't play that great 80s mix."

HAHA. Noooooo. No one with kids named Caspian and Rowan would actually say to a newspaper that Williamsburg, a neighborhood they kinda implicitly invaded at most fifteen years ago, is the "Berkeley of New York." No one would, not out loud.

So, OK, ya got us, Times. Well done. Brilliantly executed satire. Does this have anything to do with that bizarre Joe Biden/The Onion thing? It can't be real.

I mean: Sawyer, Rowan, AND Caspian??? Your new first-generation Williamsburgians, ladies and gents. Let's just watch the whole thing burn down. And hey, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

[Photo via Special KRB]