Sorry, You're Not Going to Be on Oprah

The "Oprah effect" has helped dozens of writer, self-help gurus and entrepreneurs. Think about how nobody took Cormac McCarthy seriously as an author before The Road became an Oprah book club pick. But soon the Oprah effect will vanish.

This New York Times article about people scrambling to get on The Oprah Winfrey Show before it goes off the air in May of next year is depressing. It's safe to say that we can expect a mass suicide of self-help gurus and fashion designers once they realize Oprah's couch is closed off forever. So great is people's desperation that a media coach named Susan Harrow is able to sell a book called "The Ultimate Guide to Getting Booked on Oprah" for $99. And she's never even been on Oprah!

Another woman named Tina Marie Frawley runs a whole blog, Oprahby2011.com, where she documents her quest to get her historical fiction book chosen by Oprah for her book club. The problem is, it's not even published. Although she writes today that she is very excited by the New York Times article because it "may be the jump I need to catch the attention of some would-be literary agents, and of course, Oprah."

Let's see... here's an excerpt:

Quanna never knew such darkness existed. Even on the darkest night in Africa, the stars would light her room with hope. She walks around this new land now, no light, no shoes to protect her feet, barely a stitch of clothing to protect her body against the terrible cold. She tries to adjust her eyes to find a glimmer of light, but it is futile. This land is dark, dank, and void of hope.

Tina? Everyone? The only way you people are going to be on Oprah is if someone writes a book about people who have deluded themselves into thinking they're going to be on Oprah. Actually... that's a pretty good idea. See you on Oprah, suckers.

[Image via Getty]