Passion of the Paltrow: Gwyneth Cried Five Times with Bleeding Hands to Learn Guitar

Gwyneth Paltrow bleeds for her art. Mel Gibson worries his child will become a "retarded brain-damaged idiot." Gerard Butler duets with John Mayer. Jessica Simpson debuts a new engagement ring. Monday gossip pushes through the pain.

  • World's most perfect person Gwyneth Paltrow cried five times to learn how to play the guitar for Country Strong. Her hands bled and cramped, but oh!, she pushed through the agony and made sweet music with musician husband Chris Martin: "It sucked. I cried five times at various points over the four months. It's really fucking hard. It's much harder than it looks." Lo, she bleeds on a cross of Gibsons! Take my wound and lick it, my child. It is your wound. Take this blandly appealing music that will played on a loop at Bath & Body Works. It is your music. [DailyMail, image via Getty]

  • Mel Gibson admitted in court to slapping Oksana Grigorieva and screaming, "Stop yelling or you will make her [daughter Lucia] into a retarded brain-damaged idiot!" She's only supposed to be an emotionally-damaged shell of a child who fears her father, dammit! [TMZ]

  • Snooki just secured a sponsor for her birthday party: Lifestyles condoms, which will shower courtiers of the Waterfront of Jersey with condoms before they stagger off to drunkenly smush-smush. [P6]

  • Speaking of singing actors, Gerard Butler and John Mayer sang "Mustang Sally" together at Gerard's 41st birthday party. Gerard also sang "Wonderwall," a song that seems good in theory but always turns out awful at karaoke nights, because the singer inevitably tries to do the Liam Gallagher whine, which never turns out the way you think it will. [P6]

  • Passion of the Paltrow: Gwyneth Cried Five Times with Bleeding Hands to Learn GuitarJessica Simpson debuted her new engagement ringget, "a three-stone ring that features a central ruby flanked by two diamonds." [People, image via Getty]

  • Megan Fox once said Olivia Wilde is "so sexy, she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox." But Olivia is in PETA! Olivia, decry this injustice! "I'm sure she means no harm to the mountain oxen." Obviously, this is Olivia Wilde's way of telling us she's totally going to make out with Megan Fox, to protect the ox. [P6]

  • Whitney Houston, a woman whose music career has been eclipsed by her drug-using career, is back together with Ray J, a man whose music career has been eclipsed by his Kim Kardashian sex tape career. He's eighteen years Whitney's junior. Get it girl! (Neck swivel accompanied by curlicue-shaped snaps.) [Gatecrasher]

  • Gross euphemism alert: "Is Madonna flexing her muscles at her former trainer, Tracy Anderson?" When her trainer proposed kegel exercises, she knew something was up. [P6]

  • Lindsay Lohan reiterated her plan to move to New York once she finishes rehab. Since she's capable of moving to a hut on a desert island and still finding drugs, sure, New York is as good as anywhere. [TMZ]

  • Now that their well-produced publicity stunt sex tape is off the market, Speidi is begging Vivid Entertainment to help them shoot a well-produced porno. At this point, I wish they'd just cut to the chase and get it over with. [TMZ]