Fake teenagers Cory Monteith and Lea Michele bounced back from their widely criticized soft-core GQ photo shoot with a self-consciously wholesome one for Teen Vogue. The slutty/sweet divide is dangerous for the stars of tween TV shows. Let us demonstrate.
Seeing these two photo shoots side-by-side is like an anthropological study in the tween media art of slutty vs. sweet. The former must never occur (especially not in the vicinity of Miley Cyrus!), lest America's youth be forever smirched. The latter, however, is welcome, as long as the square inches of cleavage displayed stays below a certain threshold.
Spread eagle with nearly-sheer panties: Slutty. Note the slack jaw and pouty lips. The effect is that of a slightly comatose orgasm. [Image via GQ]
Skirt yanked up but secured at least one inch below crotch: Sweet. Note happy smile and erect posture. No way can they get "horizontal" here. [Image via Teen Vogue]
Lollipops: Slutty. Note the hip-displacing posture. This suggests sexual availability because, uh, she's been fucking so much she can't get her joints back into place? [Image via GQ]
Slushies: Sweet. Straws are potentially perilous (what if one of them makes a blowjob face?) but toothy grins and giggly visages save the day. [Image via Teen Vogue]
Woman with legs wrapped around man's head: Slutty. When a dad gives his toddler a "head ride," it is sweet. In all other contexts, "head rides" scare the shit out of the protectors of America's youth. [Image via GQ]
Woman with closed legs seated daintily on man's lap: Sweet. Note pepto-pink bridesmaid dress. Note also that the man's outfit has not really changed. That's a Slut Loophole. (Or sloophole.) He's basically immune from all of this, but that's a discussion for another day. [Image via Teen Vogue]
Two women, one man: Slutty. Note oversatured colors. This is slutty because they remind us of overexposed polaroids from, like, a dive bar bathroom where you snap hasty nudes of some random hook-up until a buzzing neon light. Not that there's anything wrong with that for grown-ups. Just, you know, the Parent Television Council. [Image via GQ]
One man, no women: Sweet. Bland colors are boring, and boring things aren't sexy, so wherever bland colors are present, the people are chaste. Same reason Amish people don't have tie-dye. [Image via Teen Vogue]
This one is almost a trick question, because the classroom scene is slutty (Classrooms are for learning! Shouldn't they be safe?) and the prom picture is sweet, thereby proving that sometimes kids get sexy in the weirdest places. No rule is enough, no sexually mature young person safe. [Images via GQ and Teen Vogue]