Popey roids! Sex at work! Sex placebo! High stress women! Foodie fashionistas! Fish oil doubts! Salty teens! And old people can get as high as they want! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—ecclesiastically!

  • The Pope is speaking out against steroids, saying that an athlete's body "cannot be considered an object" or be "worshipped." "Except cocks," he added.
  • A new survey says that 17% of Americans have had sex at work, 4% have had sex on a train or bus, and 3% have had sex in church. "Clean fucking sweep," exclaimed the Pope.
  • Ha, turns out that a third of women receiving a placebo sex drug actually experienced better sex, just from how I mentally sex U up, gurl. That placebo: ecstasy.
  • Oh great, women in high stress jobs are 40% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke than women in low stress jobs. Well, not everyone's job can be fucking the Pope. And that's the real tragedy, medically speaking.
  • The WSJ raises an interesting point: the hoity-toity high fashion world is currently obsessed with chefs, mixing with the hoity-toity foodie world. But how can fashionistas really enjoy food when they have to stay so skinny? The answer is, by having sex with it.
  • Taking fish oil does not help a common heart condition called atrial fibrillation, according to a new study. But what about magic juice? Did they try magic juice? Come back when you've tested magic juice.
  • Teenagers: eat less salt! You are killing yourselves! But killing yourselves much more slowly than when you wreck the car, so don't go "texting" all your friends about salt, while you're driving on Four Loko.
  • Those who start smoking weed before the age of 16 are at much greater risk of losing brain function than those who started smoking weed later in life. "More for me," said the Pope, enthusiastically.

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