Eva and Tony Are Divorcing! No, They're Together! No, They're Divorcing! No, They're Together!S

The Longoria-Parkers face conflicting rumors about adultery and divorce. Pink is pregnant. Stewart-Pattinson probably didn't get married, but Ochocinco will soon. Wednesday gossip is at loggerheads.

  • Eva Longoria and San Antonio Spurs husband Tony Parker are filed for divorce! Wait, no they didn't, Eva's publicist says they don't even have lawyers. Wait, yes they do, and it's because Tony cheated, then "confessed" to a "heartbroken" Eva, who is kicking is ass to the curb as we speak, but the court documents (which may or may not exist) are sealed! I suspect Tony got tired of the crick in his neck caused by constant red carpet posing with his tiny wife. [People, TMZ, Us, image via Getty]

  • Eva and Tony Are Divorcing! No, They're Together! No, They're Divorcing! No, They're Together!Ladies and gentleman, the Sexiest Man Alive: Ryan Reynolds! (cue crickets) Mr. Scarlett Johnsson. (cue applause) [People]

  • Pink is pregnant with motocross star husband Carey Hart's child. And here I thought they were each others' beards! Not that a baby rules that out. It does, however, make Pink's statement that parents "need to beat the crap outta their kids" somewhat scarier. [Us]

  • David Arquette's former mistress, bar-brawling cocktail waitress Jasmine Waltz, described sex with him as "quick and painless." Better than slow and painful? [P6]

  • We take a break from our regularly scheduled cynicism for a moment of adorable: At the New York premiere of Harry Potter and the Child Slave Movie Plantation, Jamies Wilkie—the 8-year-old son of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick—slipped a folded-up mash note to Emma Watson, who kneeled at eye level and accepted the note with grace. [Gatercasher]

  • Eva and Tony Are Divorcing! No, They're Together! No, They're Divorcing! No, They're Together!SSpeaking of perpetually conflicting relationship reports: Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson "just married," then romped half-naked at a Brazilian resort as a "honeymoon." Do pictures of half-naked Kristen and Rob really need to be dressed up in a wedding story? I don't want to live in a world where half-naked starlet Brazilian love-fest pictures are not enough to sell a magazine. [OK]

  • The Survivor producer wanted for killing his wife in Mexico is now in federal custody, and will probably get extradited for trial. Survivor: High Security Mexican Prison doesn't sound like much fun. (But wasn't it a subplot on Prison Break?) [TMZ]

  • Eva and Tony Are Divorcing! No, They're Together! No, They're Divorcing! No, They're Together!Glee star Matthew Morrison to Details magazine: "I definitely hooked up with a lot of girls when I was a young guy on Broadway." Pirouettes make the panties drop. He considers himself a "teacher" to his younger costars, but also passive-aggressively condescends them: "I do look at stuff people on the show are doing, and I don't judge them, but I question it. I say to myself, ‘Keep quiet.'" I feel a blind item coming up: Which sassy stars of a singing show are on their sensai co-star's last nerve? Lea Michele being a brat, is my guess. [Details]

  • Rachel Uchitel's new Murray Hill condo—which she plans to rent for $9995/month—has "tiger or leopard-print newly installed carpeting" and "wild color paint in every room. Of course. [P6]

  • Eva and Tony Are Divorcing! No, They're Together! No, They're Divorcing! No, They're Together!Kelly Osbourne's bikini-clad Shape magazine cover is out, the one that made her weep with joy because she is now so thin. She describes her heavier weight as the product of "emotional eating." Now that she's on the cover of a magazine in her bikini, the world can force a whole new cycle of emotionally charged body issues upon her, hooray! [Shape via Celebitchy]

  • Kim Kardashian pretended to be a New York tourist with sister Kourtney while wearing a skirt made from the pelts of a jet black sasquatch, and a belt tanned from the hide of a saber-toothed tiger. These ladies are the worst, but everyday they are the worst in a new, visually perplexing way, and I am unable to stop looking. [NYDN]

  • Chad Ochocinco proposed to his girlfriend of four months with a 10-carat ring. Evelyn Losada shall henceforth be known as "Diezbling." [TMZ]