In order to reach the comforts of the friendly skies, you must first pass through America's famed airport security. Which can be quite an ordeal, at times! Below, ten tips to make your security experience as fun as possible.
Pack your own bags. Don't pack your bags while drunk. Don't let a stranger pack your bags. Don't let a drunk stranger pack your bag, while you're drunk.
2. Dressing for travel
Loose, comfortable clothing is best. Bring layers so you can be prepared for any environment. But none of your layers should be bulletproof, because that would be suspicious. On second thought, just one layer is fine. Not a Muslim-looking layer. J. Crew, a nice cardigan, something very WASPy.
3. Off to the airport
Do you have everything you need packed in your car? Except a bomb? Not that you need a bomb, because you don't, but if you think you need one, don't pack it in your car, regardless. Okay, off we go!
Don't park on top of a TSA employee.
5. Entering the airport
Just play it cool. Don't look around nervously. Just be calm. Don't look now, but there are two cops right behind you... we said don't look! Just act normal.
6. Checking in
GOOD: "Hi, I'm here to check into my flight to Atlanta. Here is my driver's license. I'll be checking one bag." BAD: "Hola, I'm here to check into my flight to Kabul. Here is my smudged and dubious foreign passport. I won't be checking any bags, because who needs luggage where I'm going, right?" Also, be sure to smile.
7. Going through the security line
Your big moment is here! Time to run down your mental check list: Did you remember to shower, shave, deodorize, and take your beta blockers? Did you remember to cover all visible tattoos and remove your piercings, visible and otherwise? Did you remember to bleach your skin and stuff your unruly hair into a sensible hat? Did you remember not to attach any unwieldy objects to your genitals, lest they arouse suspicion during groping? Great! Press on!
8. So you've been selected for a special search
Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. (Repeat).
9. Into the terminal
You've made it! Put on your shoes quickly, repack your rifled luggage, and walk, don't run, to the nearest Cinnabon. They never suspect anyone at a Cinnabon.
10. Boarding the plane
Keep your mouth shut until you're airborne. Then it's party time.
[Photo via Getty Images]