Despite Egregious Nudity, Harry Potter Charms Big Time

As expected, the Boy Who Lived raked in oodles of galleons over the weekend, and ought to broom-fly well through Thanksgiving on a raft of positive word-of-mouth. The rest of the movies this weekend? They mostly cowered in fear.

1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Pt. 1 — $125M
Yes, one hundred and twenty five million dollars. That's more money than I make in a year! Really unbelievable stuff. Good on you, movie. Good on you. So, let's just do this. I saw it yesterday and oh man did I like it. It was just a Well-Made Movie, was it not? Just so gorgeous to look at and sad and scary and, yes, moving. Terrific job, Brits. Terrific job. EXCEPT. Um. The naked golden makeout scene. I do not feel that the naked golden makeout scene was remotely necessary. If David Yates's idea was to prove that the kids were now sexual beings, I don't think we needed a naked golden makeout scene. We saw Harry's chest hair and Fleur's bra and Harry and Ginny suckin' mug in the Burrow. Those things all said "They're not really kids anymore." Thus, golden fantasy images of a naked Harry and Hermione going at it like vacuums just skips the plane of Acceptable Storytelling into Completely Jarring and Bizarre. I never, like never ever, talk in movies, but when that happened I just blurted out "Well, excuse me" and the people in front of me thought I was such an asshole (I was), so I blame the golden nakey-makey for my embarrassment. Though I still stand by the sentiment. Excuse me, Harry Potter. Excuse me for interrupting your clothesless tonsil hockey with Hermione goddamned Granger. I know it was an illusion, but still. It's weird. No more of that please.

2) Megamind — $16M
Parents who rightly realized that the latest Harry P. movie is barely a kids movie took their wee ones to see this thing, about a supervillain who's really not that bad and.... Oh, who cares. I'm so sick of all these animated movies. So sick. There are so many now! Yesterday at the moving picture show, there was a preview for something called Kung-Fu Panda 2 and the whole trailer was like really vague and winky and "Oh here he comes..." as if we're supposed to just instantly have this rapport, because of history, with the fucking Kung-Fu Panda. I don't know the Kung-Fu Panda from Adam! And judging by the reaction of the rest of the theater, no one else does either. Stop shoving Kung-Fu Panda down our throats! I know that Pixar makes beautiful picture-poems and that Shrek was funny with all its grownup humor, but it's enough. Once we've gotten a third goddamned Ice Age movie, we've really hit bottom. Everyone cease and desist. Do some handrawn stuff. Do some stuff that's, I don't know, largely sincere, rather than winky-winky. Do some damn musicals! Give the kids a little variety. Don't give them Kung-Fu Panda 2, and certainly don't assume that everyone in the world has seen this stupid thing. I'm old and I'm upset, everyone. Listen to me.

3) Unstoppable — $13M
I was going to say that this movie was doing pretty well, $41M in two weeks, but then I read that the budget for this picture was $100M! So it's not doing that well, actually! Also, how in the hell did this movie, which is largely sans anything but two dudes yelling on a train, cost $100M to make? Did Denzel ask for thirty million dollars? Have Chris Pine's post-Star Trek salary demands swelled to hubristic, David Carusonian proportions? Do trains really cost that much to rent? I certainly hope not, because I totally wanted a train at my birthday party in the spring. (And yes, gross people, a train train, not the other kind of train.) Oh well. I guess I'll have to get the Kung-Fu Panda instead.

5) The Next Three Days — $6.7M
Yipes. Speaking of not doing well! Russell Crowe just don't got it anymore, guys. He maybe never had it? Sure Gladiator did well and everything, but that's because it was a good movie, not necessarily because of Russell Crowe. Beyond that? What has there been? Body of Lies: Oops. Robin Hood: No. Mystery, Alaska: Remember that movie? Basically he's just not that bankable of a dude. I guess you can throw one too many phones. Maybe he should do an animated movie, boost his Q score a little. Capoeira Capybara. That could be weird and interesting, in a dada sort of way. Get on it, Hollywood.

6) Morning Glory — $5.2M
I'm really shocked by how this film is underperforming. Really! I thought it was going to be the solid lady-hit of the season, that it was going to put Rachel McAdams back on the map, that we'd all be listening to that Natasha Bedingfield song until Christmas music invaded the playlists of even the most Grinchily resolute among us. But no. No one's seen it. I haven't even seen it, me! Me who likes movies with glossy shots of New York and women in business suits more than all the Kung-Fu Pandas in the world! I just don't know what's wrong with us. We ask for certain movies, they deliver them, and then we say "Oh, never mind. I've lost my appetite." It's strange and cruel. We're so, so cruel to these big-time Hollywood millionaires. We should all be ashamed of ourselves. Everyone has to go see Megamind as punishment.