Prince William's Wedding Date Is Set! Pack Your Bags!S

It's true. We know where and when the amazing ceremony will be. Will you be invited?? Sit by your mailbox and wait! Also today: Miley Cyrus dares to be a teenager, Sandra Bullock is accosted, and Bristol Palin news.

  • Ohhh heavens!!! Get my fainting pearls, I'm going to need them! Prince William and his commoner bitch bride Kate Middleton have announced the date and location of their most blessed and my-business union!! Uhhhuuhoohhhouuohhh!!! The fabulous couple, who live fabulously and I care about them so very much for some obscure reason, will be wed on Friday April 29th, 2011 (the future!!!) at Westminster Abbey. Glories be! They'll be standing, almost literally, atop the graves of poets and politicians as they seal the biggest deal since Charles married that Welsh lady. I almost can't stand it, these two young people who've no bearing on anything really getting married! It's AN EVENT!! Uhhouuhouuhhh!! I'm going to need to change my pants for a third time this morning! [Us]

  • Sean Stewart, the tragically rattish son of singer turned professional hair model Rod Stewart, is getting married, same as Prince Willlllls! Only this story is a little less fairytale and a lot more fractured fairytale (remember those? ugh). The Post is all crowing about how she's nine years older than he is, so welcome to Cougar Town or whatever, but really the troubling thing is this quote: "They decided to get married after his arrest a few weeks ago." There's a good beginning to a marriage, right? "Baby, if I'm gonna be in the joint, I need to be married. Will you do that for me?" "Gurgle." "I'm gonna take that as a yes." Now, look, I don't want to disparage a couple that met in rehab (that's where they met) because people have problems sometimes and that's entirely human, but if the thing that makes you decide to get married is that the groom was arrested, I think you just need to pull your perspective up by the bootstraps back to where typical humans see things. An arrest isn't a sign, it isn't romantic, it isn't fate. It's getting arrested. [P6]

  • Oh this is so sweet. You know how Lindsay Lohan has been having some life problems recently, what with all the drugs she keeps doing and stuff? Well, apparently she's now allowed to operate automobiles again, so her dad, her sweet caring dad, lent her his Mercedes convertible to drive as a celebration of her freedom. I mean, isn't that just the sweetest? Michael Lohan, Lindsay's father, surely would have a Mercedes at this point even if he didn't profit off of his own daughter's demise the way he has, so it's a totally generous act. Totally generous. Michael Lohan: Whatta guy! I wonder if he'll be at Wills's and Kate's wedding?? [TMZ]

  • Yiiiiiiiikes, guys. Teen plague Miley Cyrus was at a birthday party, her own 18th birthday party at that, and she, a known teenager, was having mouthal relations with a young man, also a teenager. And this is a bad thing. How dare this celebrity, whose chastity is thus owned by us the public, make out with a cute boy (he's 18, shut up) on her birthday? It's a crime against us!!! Against our idea of this girl's decency! It's as if she's growing up and becoming a regular human just like the rest of us sex-hungry fartsacks. And that is unforgivable. She is to be a zoo-kept child forever or else she will be declared a slut and a strumpet and everything else on that list. You hear that Miley? You are damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, and doesn't that feel wonderful? I'll bet it does! [Us]

  • Pathetic Gonzo from The Muppets impersonator Patti Stanger, known to some (very few) as "The Millionaire Matchmaker", apparently approached DISGUSTINGLY SINGLE actress Sandra Bullock while she was having dinner with a friend (Ryan Reynolds) to say "Let me set you up on some dates" or some bullshit. Sandra apparently said "I'm good now" and Patti fuckin' Stanger is now telling this story to a website called "TooFab.com" that seems to have something to do with TMZ. Presuming too much maybe, I just want to say, good work adults. Good work all of you grownups who had something to do with this story, from Patti goddamned Stanger on down. Way to interrupt a stranger's dinner and then brag about it to something called "TooFab.com". Everyone's proud of all you. [TooFab. Yup.]

  • Hahaha. Oh brother. Ghost-angel Gwyneth Paltrow's attempts to seem country have led her into the particular circle of Hell known as the Chelsea Handler show, hosted by a terrible screech-demon who makes vaguely racist jokes from 2003 and earns blood-soaked dollars by the handful for it. Paltrow was trying to be all relatable by saying that she's "a lush," because she likes Guinness and red wine and dirty martinis. Haha, star! She's just like us! Except when she wants to learn about alcohol addiction, like she did for her new movie Country Strong in which she plays an alcohol addict, she didn't look bleary eyed into the mirror and stare sadly at her own vanishing self the same way all of us plebs do. No, she wrote to Robert Downey Jr. and asked him to describe his addiction struggles so she could use it for her movie. "Dear crippling addict, I'm doing this country music movie and..." This is a story we needed to hear, so thanks for saying it on television, Gwynz. [Us]

  • You know how regular people have like sad little dreams to be famous people, like how I want to be famous for my 10 year high school reunion next November and have everyone be so jealous of me? Well celebrities now have that too! And it's called wanting to be on Dancing with the Stars and talking to magazines about it. Jodie Sweetin, who played Step-on-Me on the hit ABC family sitcom Full House, is the latest to beg a magazine to write about her wanting to be on Dancing with the Stars, a show that gives many people the false impression that they are stars. Jodie's apparently been studying the show, analyzing the dancers, watching with her mom, and her husband's been monitoring her Twitter and Facebook cachet. Good luck, lady. If ABC doesn't let you on its magic show for magic people, it'll be so rude. [People]

  • Famous Fallopian tube Bristol Palin is bitching about getting low scores on the Dancing with the Miserable Failures dance finale last night. (This is happening in America right now.) The Tea Party's Manchurian Candidate really wants to win this damn thing, and low scores will not help her in that endeavor. For her part, mom Sarah Palin said "Well, I woulda quit halfway through the show but then still insisted that people refer to me as the winner whenever I'm on their news network." Political! [E!]

  • NSYNC feels sad that they weren't invited to participate in the whole New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys reunion tour thing. Ohhh so you were too fancy for the Backstreet Boys back in '99, but now all of a sudden you want to be best friends? Well Nick Carter's fists say it doesn't work that way, Joey Fatone. Go suck on a fat one and deal with it. [Hollyscoop]

[Photo via Getty]