The Real Housewives of Everycity, USA, are all putting out singles, so that means the Gay Housewives should have one too, right? Wrong! But what if it's about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" You can't hate it then, right? Double wrong!
Yes, professional arm candy Reichen Lehmkuhl has decided that he is going to sing himself a song and free all the gay soldiers from the shackles of their secret. A noble goal, yes, but unless he wants them freed with bleeding eardrums, he needs to give up singing. But don't take our word for it. We overheard Dustin and Jayden, top-notch musical critics and Manhattan's most annoying homosexuals, discussing this very subject during karaoke night at Posh. Here is what they had to say.
"Girl, I told you singing 'Bad Romance' was a bad idea."
"What should I have sung? 'Paparazzi?'"
"You should have sung Reichen's song."
"What, girl? Riechen's got a song?"
"Well, she got fired from that play and she had to make money somehow."
"I think she's a little tardy to the having a single party."
"Right. Doesn't she know that money can't buy you class or a good producer?"
"She's gotta be real close to making a fool out of herself."
"I want to tell her that she's making a mistake. And I'm an expert. If you don't believe me, press those keys and Google me, Okrrrrrr!" (SNAPS)
"So, who is helping her make this musical masterpiece?"
"I don't know, some queen she was working with on the play, but she knows that Reichen can't sing. Apparently he can play the guitar."
"Can't sing and tries to play the guitar. Sounds just like Madonna."
"Are you dissing Madonna, girl?"
"No, but you know she can't play the guitar."
"Truth, but there are some things in this world you can not criticize like the necessity of good cocaine, the awesomeness of getting unruly on tequila, and the supremacy of Madonna."
"Shit, girl. I'll leave Madonna alone! Tell me more about Reichen."
"There's not much to say. She wrote this song based on some letter some gay soldier sent her and wrote this really lame song about don't ask, don't tell."
"What's it called 'Bone Me in the Barracks?'"
"'Fuck Me in the Foxhole.'"
"'Screw Me in the Shower.'"
"It should be called 'Bad,' but Michael Jackson took that already."
"Maybe she was practicing her song up in Maine."
"What the hell is she doing in Maine?"
"I don't know, girl, she arranged some sort of trip up there."
"What sort of fag goes to Maine?"
"I don't know, lady, a really stupid one. And it wasn't even like a real town, it was some place called Norway."
"Isn't that in like Scandanavia?"
"Girl, that shit is far. And they don't even have a Diesel outlet, so I am not at all bothering with being in there."
"Who went with him?"
"Well, that was the drama. Derek and Ryan and TJ..."
"Girl, I love her."
"Me too, but the hair."
"My god, the hair! I know! It's like she had some sort of disease. Her hair just got redder and redder every damn day. It looked like the surface of Mars!"
"Right. And then it just fell right out her head."
"It's a travesty really."
"I know, and even the stubble was still red."
"I think it got infected with that Brooklyn bacteria."
"What's that, lady?"
"Its a condition you get from living in Brooklyn."
"That place is nasty."
"Anyway, Reichen invited him to his house in Maine all like, 'It's our family estate!' So Derek and Ryan and TJ were all like 'We're only going if Austin goes, and since Rodiney and Austin don't get along, you should invite Austin and not Rodiney.'"
"That's a real stupid plan."
"I know. So Reichen was like 'If I don't invite Rodiney I won't get to touch his huge dick for like a week and I'm addicted to what his dick did so I can't go that long without a fix.' So then they were all, 'Why not invite Austin and Rodiney?'"
"That's a real stupid plan, too."
"I know. And Rodiney was all like 'I's get hut if you invite Austin. He so means to me. I do's not truss him wif my boyfriend. He wans to fuck my boyfriend. I not going if he go.'"
"I understand that. Well, I can't really understand Rodiney, but you know."
"Right. So then Ryan was like 'If you don't go, then Austin is going to fuck your boyfriend.' So they all ended up going to Maine."
"And was it some palatial family estate?"
"No, girl. It was some aluminum siding shack on a lake with like furniture from Bob's Discount Furniture."
"The prices are craaaaaaaazzzzzzzyyyyyyy."
"That's what they are for going to Maine. Who goes to Maine?"
"Girl, what the fuck is a leaf peeper?"
"I don't know. I heard it on TV once."
"Where the hell was Mike Ruiz? Was she not invited?"
"I guess not. She was all taking pictures of herself dressed up as Tom of Finland."
"I know Tom from Chelsea and Tom from London, but do we know a Tom from Finland."
"I don't think so, girl. Isn't Finland in Scandanavia?"
"Do I look like a fucking map? The real important question about Mike Ruiz is..."
"Damn her and that poodle hair. Maybe she got some sort of hair disease from TJ..."
"Anyway, they get up to the house and guess what?"
"They actually went inside the house!"
"I know. Reichen really does own the house, not like all those backyards they crashed in Fire Island and the Hamptons."
"That's cute and all, but who wants to own a house in Maine?"
"Right, that's like having a collection of Madonna tour T-shirts or some shit."
"Are you talking shit about Madonna?"
"It sounded like you were talking shit about Madonna."
"No, no. I..."
"If you're going to talk shit about Madonna, I'm going to say that Lady Gaga is a no talent hack."
"What? Take it back!"
"She has to wear that fucking meat dress so that no one will look at her ugly face. Okrrrrrr." (SNAPS)
"Take it back."
"You take it back."
"Girl, Immabout to push you down the stairs. Okrrrrrr"