Sick of all this gays in the military jibber-jabber? Well, rest easy, because the whole controversy has been settled on The Daily Caller. The solution? Lesbians are totally fine in the military, but gay men (hereafter "gays") are absolutely not.

A former army man name'a Joseph A. Rehyansky wrote a letter to Tucker Carlson's sad little website for lead paint eaters and they published it! The whole thing! Basically it's about how dudes are wayyyy more into their boners than ladies are into their... whatever happens to ladies when they're turned on. (We never bothered to find out.) So because men can't control their sexual urges the way women can, it's OK for hot, hot lesbos to be in the armed forces, but cock-gazing fudge-packers have to get the heave-ho. Take it away, Mr. Rehyansky:

Homosexual men are not stymied by the instinctive - not to mention aggravating - caution and selectivity of most women. Most men who are sexually attracted to other men can and do indulge their promiscuous urges with little or no restraint; i.e., it's "party time" all the time. My wife and I watched a sad documentary about AIDS a few years ago. An emaciated man in his mid-30s or so, not long for this world, said that he'd spent a lot of his free time on Fire Island and estimated that he'd had sex with "about 3,000 men." My wife said, "I don't think I've spoken to 3,000 people in my entire life." I replied: "I'll bet he hasn't, either." The unrefuted 1978 study by Bell and Weinberg indicated that 43% of gays had sex with 500 or more partners, and 28% had 1,000 or more partners.
What does all this have to do with force readiness and "Don't-hint-don't-wink" or whatever they're calling it these days? My answer should by now be as painfully obvious as a suppurating genital rash: gays spread disease at a rate out of all proportion to their numbers in our population and should be excluded from the military. Gone are those happy days when a cheerful medic could give you a "pro shot" - a massive dose of antibiotic - before your wild weekend that would protect you from the consequences of every folly, unless you got mugged.

Isn't that the most gorgeous thing you've ever read??? He goes on to talk about male soldiers' "lithe naked bodies" and your pants get soooo tight, thinking about this old dude fantasizing about the visual orgy of flaccid dicks grouped together in an army shower. Good work, Mr. Rehyansky.

Also, 500 OR MORE PARTNERS? (I can't even comprehend the 1,000 or more.) What have I been doing wasting my time on this stupid website? I need to go meet 490 men, asap. Bye y'all!

[via The Awl]