New AIDS Pill Is Like, 'Goodbye, AIDS'

Baby radiation! Benadryl doom! AIDS pill! Boomer sex! Large 'n lovely! Birth defects! Attitude gratitude! Youth strength! Salt intake! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with unrestrained glee, and that's not a teevee show!

  • Has your child gotten X-rays at the dentist? You may be upset to discover that they are horrible mutants thanks to being bombarded with catastrophic levels of radiation. Great parenting, just great. I hope it was worth it.
  • Also if you're giving your child Benadryl, great work, way to go, just stab your child with an ice pick why don't you?
  • They have invented a pill that when taken daily is 90% effective at preventing you from getting AIDS. Uhhh that is pretty FUCKING INCREDIBLE, no? Pretty big deal? I don't see enough dancing in the streets right now.
  • A quarter of baby boomers are unhappy with their sex lives, reportedly cause ladies are like "eh sex, whatever" and fellas are all "gots to get laid on the regular" and there's your cultural difference. Women be shoppin.
  • One in four overweight women think they're not overweight at all. Uhhh yea.
  • Whattaya think caused all those birth defects out in impoverished Kettleman City, California? Could it be the toxic waste dump? Nah, couldn't be the toxic waste dump.
  • Our old friend "research" tells us that "maintaining an attitude of gratitude can improve psychological, emotional and physical well-being." How many times have we said this? At least once a week during our 24-year career as a middle school football coach. Attitude of gratitude fellas, that's what it's all about. Now go get cleaned up.
  • What are kids these days involved in? Youth fitness and strength training, that's what! Even young kids who aren't on the football team are lifting weights these days, which is great, if they ever hope to compete with those football players when it comes to punching each other the best.
  • Americans' salt intake has been unchanged for 50 years. You stupid bastards. You stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bastards.
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