The GOP's Official Freshmen Survival GuideS

The many incoming Republican members of Congress are still enjoying Freshmen orientation: Boring lectures by day, secret Boehner orgies by night. But are these sore, hungover noobs even learning anything? Yes! It's all found in Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide.

Rep. Cantor, the #2 House Republican, compiled a 144-page guidebook for the new kids called "Hit the Ground Running." It sounds quite helpful, offering both logistical information and tips from older members about avoiding fuck-ups, or even the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous reporters. (At least one frosh clearly wasn't able to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time.)

Cantor's office lent a copy to The Hill for review. Here are some of the most basic tips:

• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution."

• "Don't be afraid to say, ‘No.' "

• "Don't try to learn everything on day one."

Okay! Wait, scratch that: No! You wanted to hear "no," correct? Or is that one of the things that's not supposed to be learned on day one? Eric Cantor, you are impossible.

But seriously: Read the Constitution on the day one. Those Tea Party people won't shut up about it!

Another "Insider Tip" states, "It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better."

Don't hire spies:

The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."

Don't give smart-ass bloggers opportunities to make shit up (boo!):

"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)

So many rules, so many traps! This is no way to live, being in Congress. Enjoy the secret Boehner orgies while you can.

[Group photo of House freshmen via AP]