By the power vested in me by a website I hereby bring you tonight's Gleecap. Complete with a Nazi hunting Carol Burnett, Sue Sylvester in a wedding dress, and the social event of the suburban Ohio season, the Hummel Wedding!
To start it off, Burt and Carol drag the boys together at school in the morning to give them the big news! They're getting married! And as if on stereotypical cue, Kurt vows to handle the wedding all his own, because he's the gay one, duh, and Finn seems to have some trepidation about the whole thing because he's the pseudo-macho insecure one, duh. Finn expresses this neanderthal-like emotion with the one expression he knows how to make:
The future Mr. and Mrs. Hummel have nothing to worry about, letting their 16 year old son plan a huge wedding in a matter of weeks, because Kurt manages to prove his wedding planner ability by simply making it Glee themed and mentioning he married and divorced his Power Rangers a lot.
Sue's ex-boyfriend at the station is getting married too, which pushes her to try dating online. Only problem is, she's so
narcissistic unique that the only match for Sue Sylvester is, well, Sue Sylvester. But when has a little thing like only being compatible with yourself gotten in the way of Sue Sylvester? Never. So, Sue sets out to marry herself. Which is completely logical and not at all weird.
Folowing suit in the whole love and marriage thing, Sam presents Quinn with a promise ring to prove that he's not looking to get in her pants, but to actually be with her as her official boyfriend. She turns him down with a maybe. I mean, Sam is really hot and everything, but who honestly wants to run the risk of being the pregnant girl at school two years in a row? Not Quinn, not even for the hot blonde guy.
Football Bully Closet Case amps up the creep factor about thirty decibels, when he borderline sniffs Kurt and then steals his cake topper in the hallway. Seriously, who does that? A cake topper? For a wedding? Really? That's some Helga Pataki gum shrine of Arnold type creepiness. Do not want.
I don't know who the kid is playing this role, but he's doing a damn fine job of scaring the beejesus out of me.
This latest bullying act makes its way to Principal Sue who sides with Kurt on the matter, but can't legally do anything unless Football Bully Closet Case physically harms Kurt. She also, not to be taken as too sensitive, refers to Kurt as "Lady." With his newfound pride/courage from maybe-boyfriend (and my new gay TV boyfriend) Blaine, he explains to Sue that calling him "Lady" is bullying too. So she gives him some other options: Porcelain, Tickle Me Dough Face and Gelfling. For those of you who haven't seen The Dark Crystal, let's just say that Chris Colfer is probably number one on the list if they ever decided to do a human remake. I'm just glad someone on this show is finally addressing Kurt's doughy-milky complexion.
Upset about Kurt's bullying, the girls of Glee Club (led by annoying but proactive Rachel) sense there's something more sinister to it than shoving and name calling. They concoct a plan to enlist their jock boyfriends to scare away FBCC and protect Kurt. Yes. Almost all the girls from Glee Club are dating football players. Yes, this means Brittany and Artie are a thing. Deal with it. But there's something else that seems not quite right. Santana, though she's seeing Puck, was left out of the pow wow. Rachel deems Santana's friends-with-benefits relationship with Puck not relationshipy enough for the boyfriend meeting. And the rivalry grows.
Speaking of rivalries... Enter Doris Sylvester. Of course the woman who was badass enough to create Sue is a famous Nazi hunter and singer of Appalachian murder ballads. And within seconds of her arrival we see where "Susie" gets her lovely way with words.
And just as mom's are known to do, she nags about love and giving up on love and not having a boyfriend/fiance/husband. And since Sue refuses to let Doris walk her down the aisle to give her away to herself, she insists on singing at the wedding to show support. And by show support I mean enjoy the sound of her own voice. As if that wasn't bad enough for Sue, Doris got Schue to lend her the auditorium to practice. And so they sang their hostile duet about abandonment.
Meanwhile, the Glee guys carry out their girlfriends' wishes and stand up to Football Bully Closet Case with Finn noticeably absent. They get beat up in the process.
Naturally, the girls find the fact that the boys risked their pretty faces to defend Kurt. While the girlfriends' are going all Florence Nightingale on their guys, Mercedes points out that Finn was nowhere to be seen. And basically calls him out on his total lack of loyalty and cowardice. He makes the only surprised/ashamed face he knows how to make, out of... well, surprise and shame. Shocker.
Later on, Kurt is either a) super forgiving or b) not surprised by Finn's actions, because he's happily giving his dad and future step-brother dancing lessons! And it is just the sweetest sight you ever did see. Burt Hummel is trying so hard to be perfect for the wedding. Be still, my beating heart, Mike O'Malley. You have made Burt my favorite TV dad ever. And just as the trio is getting really into their dancing, Football Bully Closet Case sees them and decides to throw the token gay hand swish at Kurt from the hallway. Burt sees FBCC's gesture and goes all "I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!" on FBCC. Similar to the way he reamed out Finn for making fun of Kurt. Or the way he reamed out Kurt for making Finn uncomfortable. So basically Burt Hummel is great at being a sweet and loving dad and putting people in their place when they deserve it. Also bantering with Moira Quirk about the athletic ability and stamina of 13 year olds climbing a giant fake mountain that spits out confetti. Don't you worry, O'Malley. I don't care how many characters you've played since then. We will never forget your Nickelodeon days.
With Burt aware of the situation now, it escalates once again to Principal Sue and she expels FBCC for threatening Kurt's life. Way to get it done, Sue.
But enough of all that sad bullying stuff. Wedding time! And it has a cutesy choreographed aisle dance! Including the Soulja Boy move? Don't they know what superman that ho means? Did I just ruin this lovely little wedding dance for you? Good. That'll teach the writers to google things before they throw them into the show.
It's okay though, because they redeemed themselves with two of the most touching speeches the show has ever seen. Burt and Carol exchanged their vows, and instead of making it just about them, they incorporated the excitement of their new family into the mix. Kurt cried. Hell, even Finn cried! Then the entire thing was ruined, once again, by Schue acting like some cheesy lounge singer in a 1940's Havana nightclub while he serenaded the newly wed Hummels as they danced their first dance.
Then it was Finn's turn to give a touching speech. He spoke of couple nicknames in the group. Finchel, Puckelberry, and introduced a new one. Furt. The union of Finn and Kurt. Brothers from another mother. His words, not mine. It was about as sweet and eloquent as Finn could muster up, but he gets an A for effort. Plus, the song he sang in Kurt's honor was a nice touch. Because Kurt is amazing, just the way he is.
And the episode isn't over yet! Sue still has to marry herself, obviously. I'll let this speak for itself:
Back in Aryan couplesville, Sam wins Quinn's heart because he helped beat up FBCC. But, to Kurt's horror, FBCC comes back to school because the board can't do anything beyond give him a verbal warning. Out of protest, newly wed Sue, at least in spirit, resigns from her post as Principal, becomes one of Kurt's allies and things are restored to their rightful order.
But having Sue in his corner was not enough for Kurt, and his parents use the money they saved for their honeymoon to pay for his transfer and tuition to Dalton. Right before sectionals. Dun dun dunnnnn. You know what this means. More drama. More uniforms. More Katy Perry covers? One can only hope.
Now if only Ryan Murphy would stop using Chris Colfer/Kurt Hummel as a vessel to right the wrongs of his teenage years, we could move on to a different plot point next week and stop beating the bullying thing into the ground.