How to Turn Your Swag On: A Guide for Wall Street

Have you heard? Wall Street is getting its swagger back! But while this is obviously great news, it's been a long time since finance guys turned their swag on. So we've assembled a guide to help them!

It's so good to hear that "Wall Street's moneyed elite are breathing easier again," as Susanne Craig and Kevin Roose write on The New York Times' DealBook blog. It's even better to hear that "they are spending again... sometimes with a familiar swagger." Swagger like... trying to hire a dwarf for a bachelor party? You bet!

Some of that excess remains. A Morgan Stanley trader recently tried to hire a dwarf for a bachelor party in Miami, asking the dwarf to meet him at the airport in a "Men in Black" style suit, according to e-mail exchanges. The trader, who wanted to handcuff the dwarf to the bachelor, was recently fired.

Sigh. See, the last time Wall Street bros turned their swag on was 2007, and they're all out of practice! Which is why we're here.

As neutral swag experts ("swagnostics"), we're prepared to guide finance guys through the complex world of swagriculture. We've isolated a few key categories, and listed options for people at any level: "Entry-level" (amateur), "Baller Status" (semi-pro), and "Swagged Out" (professional swaggregator).

And so, without further ado, the Gawker Guide to Turning Your Swag On (Wall Street Edition):

Car

Entry-level: Some hideous Italian sports car
Baller Status: The actual Ghostbusters car, from the movie
Swagged Out: A horse with shoes made of diamonds

Neighborhood

Entry-level: Ugly doorman building on the Upper East Side
Baller Status: Yankee Stadium outfield
Swagged Out: Lothlórien

Wristwatch

Entry-level: Clunky Rolex with huge metal strap
Baller Status: iPhone tied to wrist with hundred-dollar bills
Swagged Out: Skull of enemy with sundial carved in forehead

Summer Spot

Entry-level: Unlivable modern house in the Hamptons
Baller Status: Man-made island shaped like your own face in the secret emirate
Swagged Out: The center of the fucking earth, on a six-story rocket yacht

Restaurant

Entry-level: Expensive but terrible steak house
Baller Status: 1920s-themed sushi joint that only accepts reservations via Twitter
Swagged Out: Life-sized gingerbread house with no windows or doors

Date

Entry-level: Event planner drama queen/aspiring actress
Baller Status: Whichever girl is playing the hot A.D.A. on Law & Order
Swagged Out: The Statue of Liberty

Plastic Surgery

Entry-level: Painful non-surgical facelift
Baller Status: Surgery to make yourself taller
Swagged Out: Skin replaced with cordovan leather

[Image via Shutterstock]