Kanye West Needs to Stop Talking Forever and Other Mandates

The man just can't go a day without saying something annoying. Also today: You actually might get invited to the Wedding of the Century, Kim Kardashian is totally doing things, and an in-depth analysis of the Bristol Palin affair.

  • Dude, just shut up. Just stop saying words. Kanye West did a "surprise" show last night at New York City's Bowery Ballroom and he started running his mouth about this stupid Taylor Swift thing! Honestly! This is what the whiny baby said to his fans, who were presumably grownups, at the concert at around 1am: "Taylor never came to my defense at any interview. And rode the waves and rode it and rode it." Haha, what? Why would she come to your defense in an interview, you unbelievable narcissist? God almighty is he not the most insufferable jackass on the planet. Just the absolute worst. Saying that will probably make him cry, then yell, then cry some more and then whine to some publication about it, and then cry a little more, and then more yelling, and then sucking his thumb and staring petulantly at the floor, then nap time, because it's been a busy day for Little Lord Fauntleroy, prince of the universe. [Us]

  • Uh oh! Brad Garrett, yes the Brad Garrett, is in a little trouble because he went on something called Blog Talk Radio to promote Tangled, the new terrible looking movie he did a voice for, and he made a joke about how in the movie Rapunzel's famous hair is... her pubic hair! A) Holy shit, did this guy invent comedy or what? B) If this actually gets him in trouble with anyone, we all need to be put down for Kanye naptime because we are enormous babies. Oh man, that Brad Garrett! Always with the wit, that one. [P6]

  • John Travolta and Kelly Preston welcomed a baby son into the world early this morning. They named it Kanye and then it did a concert at Bowery Ballroom and whined about child country singers. [People]

  • Oooooohhh. If you needed some cream for that tea, I've got it. BECAUSE, Prince William and Kate Middling's wedding will be partially open to regular chimney sweeps like you and me! Yeah, they're definitely going to be inviting some commoners to the big, fat British fantastimelee, just so they'll seem like normal and totally likable people instead of the mind-bogglingly rich superhumans that they actually are. Of course said commoners will be executed immediately after the ceremony, lest they tell the rest of the public about the liquid gold everyone was drinking and diamond souffles everyone was eating. [People]

  • Here's the lead-in to a story: "Kim Kardashian's found a new guy to keep up with: Halle Berry's model ex Gabriel Aubry. A pal tells UsMagazine.com that the duo, who were spotted flirting at Sunday's L.A. Lakers game, are the real deal." Oh they ARE??? They ARE the real deal????? OH MAN, that is so good to know. Because for a little while there I was all "Kim Kardashian and Gabriel Aubry: Are they fo' reeeeeal???? Or are they just playing?" But now I know!! Now I know that they are totally legit, they are the definition of the real deal. Oh man that Kim Kardashian keeps doing things that are interesting, doesn't she? Going to Lakers games, dating male models, confusing everyone with the realness of her various dealness. I just love that Kim Kardashian. [Us]

  • Marky Mark is getting fat, says Marky Mark to a publication. "My new regimen consists of a bottle of red wine and a lot of food and I'm enjoying myself. My wife is like, 'You're starting to look really bad! I'm like a former Victoria's Secret model. If you want to hold onto me, you gotta do something!' So I'm back in the gym." A bottle of red wine and lots of food?? Star! He's just exactly like specifically me. [Hollyscoop]

  • Here's an impassioned exegesis on why beloved birth canal Bristol Palin should have won Dancing with the Unholy Fester Monsters last night. It's really worth a read. It makes you think about things from a different perspective, which is what reading and learning are all about. (I swear to most holy trickster god Loki, if people continue to watch this particular television program and talk about it to the degree that they talk about it, and if people continue to say "Paso Doble" and act like they know what this is, I will pull this entire planet over and turn right around. Honestly, HONESTLY, has there ever been a more annoying television program, watched by more annoying people, than Dancing with the Stars? It is reason enough for me to consider moving to a shack in the mountains and never speaking to any of you jerks ever again. Paso Doble. OMG shut up.) [E!]

[Photo via Getty ]