Glee: The Canonization of St. Kurt

The cast of Glee is full of characters that are lovably unlikable. Except for Babygay Kurt. He is perfect in every way. And in case you didn't realize that, there was an entire episode to drive the point home.

Rachel Barry is an annoying twit, Mr. Schue is a skeevy perv, Sue Motherfucking Sylvester is a monster, Santana is a slut, Puck is a lawbreaker—each character on Glee has a serious flaw that makes us hate them a little bit just as we are charmed by their quirky individuality. That is except for Babygay Kurt. He is bullied and that makes him a saint with absolutely nothing wrong with him at all. He is the A-number-one homosexual on the entire Earth and from the planet Transylvania as well. Babybay Kurt can make me cry like no other, and I'm so glad that there is a character like him on television, but last night was just overkill with the positive messaging.

We start off the hour learning that there will be two big weddings, one between Kurt's dad and Finn's mom and one where Sue Motherfucking Sylvester marries the only person worthy of her—herself. Just as Kurt is planning the pending nuptials (obviously, because every gay just loves planning an event that he is not legally allowed to have), he gets further terrorized by his bully who I call Fury because I can't be bothered to look up how to spell the character's Polish last name.

Principal Sue is having some troubles of her own. After getting her wedding invitation, Sue's Nazi-hunting mother returns to Lima to be part of Sue's life.

This old Doris Day tune Rosalind Russell number from the musical Wonderful Town was the perfect choice for Sue's mother, Doris, and the perfect choice for Sue's mother was Carol Motherfucking Burnett. Screw all this Betty White nonsense, we need to get an internet campaign together to get Carol back in the spotlight. She was pitch perfect on the show, and pitch perfect in this song. Carol is so funny that you forget she can actually sing. A double threat! Still, at her age, she's amazing to watch.

After meeting Doris, we learn that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Just like Sue, Doris rarely has a nice word for anyone and she is always being overly critical of her daughter. But now she's back and she's regretting leaving her children to go hunt Nazis. As the song says, she wishes she rather stayed home. But she also fails to see why Sue and her sister Jean are so upset at her. Don't they realize how hard it was for her to become a famous Nazi hunter? We see where Sue gets her overinflated narcissism.

There are other things going on in Ohio as well. In his best Jonas Brothers impersonation, Sam offers Quinn a promise ring. I think they call them promise rings because the recipient has to promise not to laugh in their boyfriend's face when he whips one out. What every happened to dorky, awkward Sam, by the way? I liked him so much better when he was quoting Na'vi and having a hard time with girls than when he was this super smooth Casanova looking even dreamier than usual with a shiner.

How did he get a shiner? Well, Rachel Barry, doing the first nice thing in her whole life, got the girls together to get their football player boyfriends to stop Fury from beating up Kurt. Finn won't do it, because he's trying to be Mr. Popular Cool Man again, Puck can't get in a fight or he'll go back to juvie, and Quinn says Sam isn't her boyfriend so she doesn't ask. That leaves Mike Chang's abs and Artie (who is officially dating Brittany, mazel!) to take on Fury. He easily dispatches them and Sam steps in to beat the crap out of him while Finn watches on like a loser.

Yes, Finn is a loser for not helping Kurt not get bullied. But that's not just true of Finn, that's true of everyone in the school. Every person who stands by and lets someone get bullied for any reason is part of the problem. It's going to make you uncool to some, but it will definitely win you popularity points with a lot of people. It doesn't matter that Kurt is going to be Finn's brother or whatever. Even if he was some stranger in the hall Finn should tell Fury to cut it out.

Even Sue Motherfucking Sylvester does something about the bully. When she finds out that Fury threatened to kill BG Kurt, she expels him from school. While Sue's hardline stance against bullying is nice, it's a bit disingenuous. What would you call what she has been doing to Will since he started Glee club? Bullying! Yes, Sue is the biggest bully of all but now she's all "zero tolerance." Bullshit. Also bullshit is Kurt saying that Sue calling him "lady" is bullying. First of all, I call everyone (including Hamilton Nolan, who is the straightest person I know) "lady," so maybe I'm a little biased. I would say that's more of a homophobia thing than actual bullying, because it's not systematic and relentless. And sorry, BG Kurt, but Porcelain isn't any better than "lady" even though you got to pick it (but it sure is funny!).

Headed into the wedding, Finn is feeling a bit vulnerable, but he's ready to perform with the rest of the Glee kids.

For me Bruno Mars is a bit like Oslo. I know it exists and it has been the answer to more than one crossword puzzle clue, but I don't really know anything about it. This Bruno Mars place must be pretty cool though, because I liked a song that took place at a wedding, had yellow streamers, and included the lyrics "dancing juice" and "shots of Patron." Go figure.

OK, the wedding was the worst part of the episode. Kurt's dad, who is one of my favorite characters on the show because he always stands up for his kid, absolutely gushes about how great Kurt is. That's understandable and cheesy, but I get that parents are proud of their kids. But when Finn's mom starts waxing on about how amazing St. Kurt is (he saved her from her wardrobe, of course) before she even mentions her own son, that's just fucked up. Granted I have a severe case of Middle Child Syndrome, but if my mom started saying nice things about some other kid who wasn't even me, I would have erupted in a fit of "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, all I ever hear is Marsha," right there on the motherfucking altar!

Of course after the wedding, there is the reception.

Congratulations to Glee for finally finding a way to feature Mr. Schue without him being all skeezy and "I'm going to perform with the kids!" This Michael Buble song gets a B+ for fitting into the story, a B+ for execution, and a B+ for having a reason to sing. This is sort of like acing a Sophmore year Geometry test. It feels good for a minute, but you're going to completely forget all of it before next week.

On to something a bit more memorable.

Like a gentleman who buys Santana dinner, this Bruno "Oslo" Mars character sure got a lot of play this week. Good for him. This song, eh, whatever. Guess Glee couldn't afford the Billy Joel version "Just the Way You Are."

So now it's Finn's turn to bow down at the feet of St. Kurt the Holy and tell him how awesome he is and how much he loves him and how he'll always be there for him as a brother. Aw, that's very sweet, and Finn seemed sincere, so that's good. However, none of this is really necessary. Bullying is wrong no matter who is getting bullied. Even if Kurt was a horrible person, like someone who relentlessly hit on his future step brother even though his future step brother made it abundantly clear he did not welcome his advances, he shouldn't get bullied. BG Kurt is still a pretty cool and strong guy, but we don't have to keep going on and on about it. Constantly extolling his virtues (and there are many) is making him the most unlikable person on the show.

Strangely enough Sue MF Sylvester could teach us all a thing or two about loving people just the way they are, since she's been doing that for her "handicapable" sister her entire life. But her mother never learned that lesson. Sue and Jean let her into their lives and she can't even keep her Nazi-hunting mouth shut long enough to get through Sue's crazy wedding to herself. She's been gone all these years and now Sue and Jean see that they never really needed her and got along fine without her. It was a great scene and Ms. Burnett made it even better, but we feel like she was a little wasted. Let's hope she comes back soon or hosts SNL or something.

Speaking of Principal Sue, she calls BG Kurt and his parents to the office and tell them that Fury is coming back to school because the school board can't expel him because no one saw him threaten Kurt's life. Now we understand that bullying can do all sorts of crazy thing to a person. Kurt is literally scared for his life, but he has already told everyone that Fury threatened to kill him, why is he still covering up that Fury kissed him too? Wouldn't he try to pull that out of his bag of tricks? Anyway, Sue is so upset that the school won't do anything about bullying, she has resigned as principal. Again, I call bullshit.

As for Kurt, he's leaving McKinley for Dalton Academy so he can be in a school full of gorgeous preppy boys. What babygay wouldn't choose that, bullying or no bullying? And congrats to Kurt for getting into a private school, in an hour, in the middle of the school year, without being able to afford it. May such good luck fall upon every babygay. But now, we have a feeling that this is a miracle that would only befall St. Kurt, the patron saint of glitter, gays, and deus ex machina. Hail this Mary, because he is full of grace. Amen.