Your Guide to Black Friday Shopping

Black Friday is upon us! It's the biggest shopping day of the year, and to help you out we've put together some holiday-shopping tips and tricks to so you get the best out of your orgiastic celebration of waste:

  • Show up early. If you are not waiting outside a store right now, surrounded by Clif Bar wrappers and the bodies of children who tried to butt you in line, you don't love your family or friends. Seriously, what do you think will be left by the time you mosey in to Wal-Mart at 7 a.m. on Friday? One fucking Zune, that's what.

  • Map out a strategy. There is absolutely nothing wrong or deeply, deeply depressing about obtaining a map of your chosen store, identifying the items you want, and planning a detailed strategy with your shopping buddies. No, if anything, doing this makes you cool. Give yourselves code names, and maybe wear team shirts, too.

  • Don't hesitate to get physical. We're not saying you should punch people, or anything! Maybe just kick them, if they get in your way, or fall to the floor.

  • Set a budget, and stick to it. Figure out how much you can afford to spend, and double it. Do you really love your first-born son? More than you would love a new laptop, hypothetically? Just wondering!

  • Shop online for great deals without the hassle of going to the store. If you're a total pussy.

  • Befriend the people in line with you. It's a good idea to introduce yourself to and learn a little bit about the people in line with you, in case you need to run to the bathroom, or blackmail them into giving you the last Wii.

  • Haggle over prices. Sure, a Target employee might tell you that they don't bargain with customers. But if you tell him the secret password, give him the special handshake, and then show him your gun, you'll be surprised at how amenable he is to bartering!

  • See if your credit card company has special holiday deals. Some credit cards offer bonus points or rewards in exchange for using their cards to put yourself further in debt. Cards are also handy to jimmy the lock to the storage room.

  • Brace yourself for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to get every deal you want! Also, buying things will not make you happy, and in fact may contribute to the gnawing emptiness that keeps you up at night.

  • Consider donating to an organization like Big Brothers Big Sisters, Partners in Health, or the ACLU instead of spending all your money on useless shit. Ha ha, just kidding, buy yourself a big TV—you've totally earned it!

[image via Getty]