Republicans Must Save Our Kids From Alcoholic Whipped CreamS

Who are the real victims of our government's Puritan frenzy to ban Four Loko for good? College kids—who the ban is supposed to help—and hardworking small businesspersons. Paging the Republican Congress! Your wedge issue is here!

First they came for the Four Loko, and you didn't complain, because you didn't drink Four Loko, except as a fun political vomit stunt. But now, the FDA is also threatening to pull a craft beer called Moonshot '69 off the shelves, because it has added caffeine. And you know you love craft beers. But who shall speak up for Moonshot's rights? Not even the craft beer community itself!

"Her Moonshot product has taken a lot of shots not just this time, but from some craft beer lovers who don't like Moonshot for the same reason, because the caffeine is added," [a craft beer blogger] said. "They sort of see it as a stunt beer or novelty beer. She is in kind of a difficult position."

Well, clearly if it's a "novelty beer" then it should be OUTLAWED, posthaste. Are you listening to this big government outrage, John Boehner? And talk about unintended consequences: stripped of Four Loko, our nation's booze-hungry college students from Florida to Massachusetts have already moved on to guzzling alcoholic whipped cream. And doing who knows what else with it.

The opportunity for heroism is ripe, Republicans. Stand up for freedom, deregulation, and personal responsibility by restoring Four Loko to the shelves of America's bodegas. It's about time that these nanny state big government libtards realized that you can't just outlaw things that people desire—it goes against every principle of the free market.**

**Should not be interpreted as applying to the War on Drugs.