Kardashians to be Less Obvious About Stealing Children's MoneyS

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe pull the plug on their predatory credit card. Lindsay Lohan wants a restraining order against paparazzi. Tom Brady battles male pattern baldness. Brad Pitt's plague of poor fashion choices returns. Tuesday gossip is a lost cause.

  • The Kardashian sisters have backed off their latest pyramid scheme capitalist endeavor, the Kardashian Prepaid MasterCard, which is marketed to children and has hidden fees so unconscionable, even elected officials are denouncing it. (Right after they have a staffer write a briefing paper on "What the hell is a Kardashian, anyway?") The Connecticut Attorney General opened an investigation to figure out if the Kardashian Prepaid MasterCard was illegal or just tasteless, causing the sisters K to return the money MasterCard gave them and demand to have their faces removed from the card. Will they refund current users' fees? Unknown. Moral of the Story, Part I: When your crass greed actively impoverishes others, it has gone too far. Moral of the Story, Part II: The credit card business is a shell game that even the most superficial of hollowed-out Hollywood shells cannot master. [P6, TMZ, Time, image via Bauer-Griffin]

  • Speaking of the Kardashians, Khloe said on The View that she lost her virginity at age 14 to an 18-year-old. (That's statutory rape in California, no?) She urges young women everywhere, "Don't let anyone pressure you." Unless it's pressure to give all your money to the Kardashians! Then you're golden. (Prepaid Platinum?) [The View via JJ]

  • Lindsay Lohan is seeking a restraining order against the paparazzi. Apparently her probation officer and the Betty Ford Clinic thought she was sober enough (Sober Shiny enough?) to drive again, but they're so afraid she'll die in a paparazzi accident, they changed their minds. [TMZ]

  • Kardashians to be Less Obvious About Stealing Children's MoneyBrad Pitt wore baggy leather pants on the red carpet and—is that a hint of chin scraggle I see? Returning to terrorize us again, just when we finally thought we'd gotten hot Brad Pitt back? Forget it, this guy is officially a lost cause. [E!, image via Getty]

  • Ben Affleck always ends up doing last-minute Christmas shopping at CVS. Celebrities, they're just like us: Cheap and lazy. [JJ]

  • Anne Hathaway on hosting the Oscars: "intimidating," "cool," "exhilarating," "challenge." [Us, ET, NYPost]

  • For Black Swan Natalie Portman lost 20 lbs., which is a pretty significant weight loss for a lady who's only 5'3". She did it "with discipline." [Us]

  • Patriots quarterback and Gisele Bundchen lover Tom Brady has been consulting hair transplant specialists because he is balding! Very sad. I always imagine the slow-moving menace that is male-pattern baldness as the worst kind of sinking feeling—gradual, inevitable, hopeless. All the transplants in the world will not defeat this follicular war of attrition, Tom. Work on cultivating your personality, maybe. [NYDN]

  • Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz is at New York Presbyterian Hospital, taking up the entire luxury treatment wing. He booked every single room to make sure nobody would bug (read: try to kill) him. His convoy required 40 vehicles, "including 20 for luggage alone." [P6]

  • The NYPD is subpoenaing Charlie Sheen's medical records to prove that he used cocaine on the night he locked his hooker in the bathroom and went on a drunken rampage that ended in the ER. If you're joining this story late, just insert the cocaine- and hooker-related drama from any old week in the last two decades of Charlie Sheen's existence. It's all but interchangeable at this point. [Radar]

  • Madonna's Mexican mega-gym is open for business, so you can slog away at the elliptical while staring at walls papered with Madonna's heavily made-up face. Mixed feelings on this. On one hand, Madonna is known to provide the best work-out music. (Kylie's a little too self-consciously work-out-y.) But, come on, the decor at this place verges on America's Next Top Model Tyra shrine narcissism. [Popeater]

  • After a domestic violence inquiry, Teen Mom Amber Portwood has been reunited with her two-year-old offspring. Look, I understand why the Kardashians are famous (even if I strenuously and somewhat hypocritically disagree with the system that makes them famous) but Amber's fame eludes me completely. Her greatest accomplishment is convincing Child Services that she hasn't beat her daughter, yet. For this, she gets to be on the covers of magazines. [Us]

  • In happier maternal news, Stella McCartney had her fourth baby, a girl named Reiley. Mazel tov! [E!]