Today we talked about drinking on planes and drinking in airports! Yay! Good times for all! Except: Bad times for all, it turns out. Yeah, so said one commenter, some sort of flying expert.
Um, not to bust any bubbles, but, as a former longtime airline manager I have to advise AGAINST heavy drinking prior to boarding an aircraft. If you appear to be intoxicated it is against federal regulations for an airline to allow you to board an aircraft. And if you happen to get by the gate agents, the flight attendants will undoubtedly summon someone to pull you out of your seat before departure and embarrass you in front of all of the other passengers on board.
I have literally had to do this about one hundred times. If you are cooperative, the airline will book you on the next flight, and maybe even buy you some coffee and food. If you are not cooperative, like, for instance, if you throw your laptop at the manager and call her a c*nt, your ticket will be voided and you will be escorted out by the police.
Oh great. Thanks a lot. But, uh, hey, got any good stories?
Oh yeah. I have lots of stories. Drunks are usually not that big a deal, because most are fairly happy and willing to admit they've had a few. Offer them coffee and the next flight and they're usually ok.
However, there's always a few...like the Jersey guys hopped up on roids who swung at me when I took them off a plane. (A cop was right there, laughing at this, mind you.) Also the Irish couple going to Vegas to get married who broke up at the gate when she was too drunk to board.
There's the woman who checked herself out of Bellevue and tried to board a flight until the cops dragged her away.
The famous rapper that packed cop-killers in his bag. The basketball player caught with pot in his bag. The famous figure skater that demanded an upgrade on her cheap-ass ticket, only to leave her small child in coach. The former VP who didn't know how to dial the phone.
And all sorts of other people who cursed, complained, and made general asses of themselves in public. Or died on board the plane.
And I forgot about the girl who offered BJ's in exchange for drinks on the flight, and when no one took her up on the offer, began to masturbate (moaning loudly) openly on the aircraft.