Jesus Luz, Please Shut Up

The Post's totally superfluous Page Six Magazine comes out tomorrow with a cover story about Madonna's former boytoy Jesus Luz. The problem is no one wants to hear him talk. And when he does, he sounds like a fool.

Luz, the once and future Brazilian model that Madonna met on a photo shoot, has never been that interesting of a character. Basically he was a really good-looking prop for the gristle-armed Material Girl to twirl around with her on paparazzi stops, proving to the world that she could still attract the hottest Latinos on the planet. During their months-long courtship we never really cared who this person actually was, we just wanted to make "Madonna and Child" jokes and stare at his preternaturally flat stomach and dreamy eyes. We certainly never wanted to learn about his life, musical ambitions, or anything he had to say.

Jesus Luz, Please Shut Up

But where the New York Times failed to find anything interesting when he was at the height of his fame Page Six thinks they can dredge up some dirt long after he broke up with Madonna and passed his expiration date. What did they get out of him?

Well, he talks about his tattoo:

About four years ago, I passed a tattoo shop and decided to do something spontaneous. I wanted something connected to my name but not necessarily about me as the focus. Yes, it is my name, but it has a double meaning. ‘Jesus' means just that. And the Portuguese word ‘Luz' is my family name, but it also means ‘light.' Also it is significant in reminding me that some force is watching over me.

Ugh, positively boring. He talks about his favorite things:

Food, friends, music...and good sex.

Did he get that answer from the Dilettante's Guide to Platitudinous Answers? He talks about his professional life:

Nothing was ever handed to me. Even through my many connections, I still had to jump through lots of hoops to book jobs and to get to where I am now.

Does he really want us to think that he's not getting hired because of people he met when schtupping Madonna or who saw him because of his connection with Madge? Really? Even Rachel Uchitel knows we only care about her when she's talking about Tiger Woods. Finally he talks about his favorite song:

My favorite dance song of all time is the Benny Benassi remix of Madonna's ‘Celebration.' It definitely gets the party hyped.

Jesus Luz, Please Shut Up

Obviously he picked a tune by his former paramour. It's like a model saying her favorite designer is the one that she's currently wearing. Also, it's probably just a coincidence that he happens to be in the video for the song. He's still under the thrall of his ex, who plucked him out of obscurity, made him into a semi-household name, gave him a DJ career so he'd have something to fall back on, and then sent him off into the great wide world. He's right to be thankful and say nice things about her.

Both Jesus and Page Six are both under the illusion that we actually care about him. We do not. We only care about Madonna and so we only care about Jesus because of his access to her. There is only one interview we're interested in: the one where he trashes Madonna. If he's not talking about how she's obsessed with Kabbalah, awful to her staff, a horror to be around, and has nasty yellow toenails that would scratch him up when they were sleeping together, then he's wasting our time. Until you're ready to give that interview, Jesus—and we give him three years, tops—you're welcome to stand around and look pretty (preferably naked), but please do everyone a favor and keep your mouth shut.

[Photos via Bauer-Griffin]