A diplomatic cable released today by Wikileaks reveals that Canadian television has some major beef with America. We obviously have to bomb Canada now. But first, read this guide to Canada's favorite America-bashing entertainment.
The level of anti-American melodrama has been given a huge boost in the current television season as a number of programs offer Canadian viewers their fill of nefarious American officials carrying out equally nefarious deeds in Canada while Canadian officials either oppose them or fall trying.
As of 2008, there were no less than four hit primetime dramas that play on negative American stereotypes. Let's look at this TV Guide of Hate:
"H20" was a two-part miniseries in which the Canadian prime minister is assassinated by America in a scheme to steal all of Canada's water. Because Americans naturally lust after any liquid natural resource? That's just ridiculous! Then there's the sequel, "Trojan Horse," where Americans trick Canadians into voting to become part of the U.S. Which is also ridiculous, because Canada already is part of the U.S. (But seriously, would it be scientifically possible steal Canada's water? It's probably really clean and cold. We could add alcohol and caffeine to it and sell it back to Canadians as a new Energy Beer.)
"The Border" focuses on Canadian immigration and customs officials and their efforts to keep Canada secure. So, the bad guys are Muslim terrorists, right? Wrong: It's Americans! According to the cable, the main villain is "an arrogant, albeit stunningly attractive female Department of Homeland Security officer, sort of a cross between Salma Hayek and Cruella De Vil." She bosses her Canadian colleagues around with lines like, "You would have killed him. Let the American justice system do it for you." Get it? Because Americans execute one criminal before every baseball game.
"Intelligence" is a crime drama about a Canadian intelligence unit cracking down on drug smuggling. So, the bad guys are Mexican drug smugglers, right? Wrong: It's American DEA agents who start selling the drugs they capture for profit. This is plays on the stereotype that America is coldly capitalist and also everyone loves drugs here.
This is about a small-town mosque in Saskatchewan. In one episode, a Muslim professor is accidentally placed on a U.S. No-Fly list. Oh, uh, actually this sort of sounds like something we would do.
Outrageous! For all the money we've spent on Justin Bieber CDs and lost in casinos on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls—this is how Canada repays us? With low-rent rip-offs of all our shows, except replacing the stereotypical Muslim terrorist and black gangbanger villains with stereotypical American ones? Thank you, Wikileaks, for exposing the bigotry of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Dispatch drones to Ottawa!
[Image of "The Border" cast via CBC]