Every Pound You Gain Brings You Closer to Death (Not Even Kidding)

Obesity surgery! Overweight death! Diabetic exercise! Medvedev pull ups! McDonald's health care! DC water! Prostate drugs! Fish oil eyes! Miscarriage hearts! And deaf smoke! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in stereo-o-oh!

  • Once upon a time only morbidly obese people got surgery to have their abdomen cut open and a band placed around their stomach, forever, squeezing. But now the FDA is studying that surgery as an option for less obese people. Say goodbye to those pesky food-based diets!
  • Actually you should get lap band surgery, seriously, if you don't want to die. Because even a small bit of extra weight hugely raises your chances of death. You think we're kidding? We're fucking not.
  • And while you're at it you better also get 150 minutes of exercise per week, cause you know you're diabetic, what with the Ring-Dings.
  • Russian president Dmitry Medvedev thinks he's so healthy from doing pull ups but I bet eating all those babies takes a toll on his arteries.
  • Turns out that the McDonald's health care plan is really bad. Which is funny, because if you'd expect anyone to get great health care, it would be McDonald's employees, courtesy of the McDonald's corporation. You just never know these days.
  • Washington DC's water is full of lead. You know who I hope is drinking the shit out of it? Republicans.
  • All you sickos who wanted to use prostate drugs more: sorry, sickos.
  • Research indicates that fish oil could help to stave off vision loss. I'm telling you: fish oil. You don't even have to eat fish. Did you know they make it in pills? They do.
  • Oh huh weird, women who have *multiple miscarriages* are at greater risk of having a heart attack. Also women who have multiple bungee jumping accidents, head-on collisions, or encounters with fearsome monsters in the night.
  • Secondhand smoke makes you deaf? Now they're just making shit up.
[Pic via]