Barack Obama Issues First Non-Turkey PardonsS

Barack Obama got so sick of everyone bitching about him that he issued his first presidential pardons today, to nine world-famous murderers who'll eat the guts of every web commenter who types "GROW A PAIR, OBAMA" from now on. Seriously.

No, they appear to be just a bunch of people caught fucking around with drugs, booze, amateur counterfeiting, etc., in the last half-century or so. Presumably they were wrongfully convicted — news organizations are still trying to figure out the deal here — or maybe Obama just needs some new friends who won't be so judgmental.

Are you, the reader, one of these people? Wait, seriously? You are? Wow! That's pretty cool that the president pardoned you.

President Obama Grants Nine Pardons

Today President Barack Obama granted pardons to the following nine individuals:

James Bernard Banks - Liberty, Utah

Offense: Illegal possession of government property; 18 U.S.C. § 641.
Sentence: Oct. 31, 1972; District of Utah; two years of probation.

Russell James Dixon - Clayton, Ga.

Offense: Felony liquor law violation; 26 U.S.C. § 5604(a)(1).
Sentence: June 23, 1960; Northern District of Georgia; two years of probation.

Laurens Dorsey - Syracuse, N.Y.

Offense: Conspiracy to defraud the United States by making false statements to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration; 18 U.S.C. §§ 371, 1001.

Sentence: Aug. 31, 1998; District of New Jersey; five years of probation and $71,000 restitution.

Ronald Lee Foster - Beaver Falls, Penn.

Offense: Mutilation of coins; 18 U.S.C. § 331.
Sentence: Oct. 4, 1963; Eastern District of North Carolina; one year of probation and $20 fine.

Timothy James Gallagher - Navasota, Texas

Offense: Conspiracy to distribute and possess with intent to distribute cocaine; 21 U.S.C. § 846.
Sentence: Oct. 18, 1982; District of Arizona; three years of probation.

Roxane Kay Hettinger - Powder Springs, Ga.

Offense: Conspiracy to distribute cocaine; 21 U.S.C. §§ 841(a)(1) and 846.
Sentence: March 31, 1986; Northern District of Iowa; 30 days in jail followed by three years of probation.

Edgar Leopold Kranz Jr. - Minot, N.D.

Offense: Wrongful use of cocaine, adultery and writing three insufficient fund checks; Articles 112a and 134, Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Sentence: Sept. 14, 1994, as approved Nov. 4, 1994; General court-martial convened at Hickam Air Force Base, Hawaii; bad conduct discharge (suspended), 24 months of confinement and reduction to pay grade E-1.

Floretta Leavy - Rockford, Ill.

Offense: Distribution of cocaine, conspiracy to distribute cocaine, possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute; 21 U.S. C. §§ 841(a)(1), (a)(2) and 846, 18 U.S.C. § 2.

Sentence: Oct. 19, 1984; District of Kansas; one year and one day in prison and three years of special parole.

Scoey Lathaniel Morris - Crosby, Texas

Offense: Passing counterfeit obligations or securities; 18 U.S.C. §§ 472 and 2.
Sentence: May 21, 1999; Western District of Texas; three years of probation and $1,200 restitution, jointly and severally.

That sucks for the one who was tried under military law. Adultery? Bouncing a couple of checks? And this is the same military you gay people want to join?

[Image of this year's White House Turkey Pardon via AP]