Are Our Soldiers Using the Proper Crash Diets?S

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

  • Drug companies are no longer giving special discounts to stupid children's hospitals. If you don't make children pay full price for their medications, they'll never learn.
  • "Do energy drinks improve athletic performance?" Fuck yea, didn't even read it.
  • All the folks on Capitol Hill are eating nothing but junk food, which is all part of the US Army's plan to make them fat and soft and easy to kill in the event of a necessary military coup. So, carry on.
  • If you can invent a thing to kill cancer good, you can get mad rich. Didn't need any fancy newspaper in a shirt and tie to tell me that one, thank you very much.
  • Regular meditation has been found to be as effective at ameliorating depression as antidepressants are. Plus with meditation there are not "certain sexual side effects" to make you depressed when you finally score a meditation nymphomaniac.
  • Guess what, "youth sports" like Little League baseball don't provide that much exercise for kids, really. Look at your kids: playing baseball, still fat. Well, there's always the outside possibility of being the next John Kruk.
  • New food allergy guidelines are out. If you're allergic to a food, don't eat it. Or maybe, do eat it? I don't know, you'd have to read the guidelines.
  • Fat babies and obsessive Blackberry usage are giving women a malady known as "mommy thumb." Good.
  • US Army soldiers are doing anything and everything to cut themselves down to official weight limits, including "the laxative method and the old trick of Icy-Hot around their waistline then putting on plastic wrap around themselves." Is this really what we want from our nation's highly trained heroes? Or would we prefer the "super low carb" method?
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