Top Chef: Children Aren't the Future

Kids are horrible. They only want to eat sugar, chips, grilled cheese, and awful gunk. Chefs hate them and wish them dead. Then a Jonas Brother shows up, a chef has a meltdown, and the world ends in apocalypse.

Chefs hate to cook for kids. Well, at least the chefs on Top Chef: Tippitty Tip Tip Top All Stars because kids don't want to eat nasty scallop ceviche and salmon foam and star anise wrapped salmon. They want some Mac 'N' Cheeze and Sweedish Phish and other things that are spelled dubiously. Padma showed up and said, "Listen bitches, you have to cook a snack for kids and they have to like it. We're going to serve them to all the spoiled brats whose parents paid for them to spend the night at the Museum of Dead Animal's bones or some shit. Oh, and you have to impress Joe Jonas, so whatever you make better taste better than Demi Lovato's twat, capiche?"

Yes, Joe Jonas is going to be eating all of their sugary treats and deciding which one will be served to the kids. Doesn't he have diabetes or something? Isn't this going to kill him? Is that his brother? Whatever. What's the world with one less Jonas brother.

Cook, cook, cook; boring, boring, boring and then the Quickfire is over. On the bottom is Joe Jonas—oh, sorry, that was my overactive imagination getting the best of me. On the bottom was Black Tiffani's coconut white pudding thing, Mike's chocolate polenta bars (really, kids would rather eat chocolate flavored dirt), and Steven's Snickerdoodle Sandwich, which sounds enough like one of those dirty sexual positions to be moderately amusing. Jen's bacon and ginger flavored taffy—which looked like a bunch of tissues crumpled on my floor after watching a Jonas Brothers video—looked like the most disgusting concoction I have ever seen, and I have no idea how it didn't get called out for grossness. Angelo's snack was called "Cheese Crisps 2010: The New Evolution." Isn't that the name of the new Britney Spears tour or some shit? Who gives their dish such an obnoxiously robotic colonated name? You're not Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, Angelo.

Instead of picking a winner, Joe Jonas picked two, White Tiffanni's marshmallow moon pie Frankentreat, and Spike's potato chips with marshmallow dip. That Joe Jonas sure loves a marshmallow. The two winners pick teams and they have to each serve the snack to the kids and the children will decide the winner. This is an inherently flawed plan. Children should not be given any choices whatsoever. They clearly can't handle it. We don't allow them to pick their hair style, bed time, outfits, schools, dinners, what they watch on TV, what they listen to on the radio. Nothing. Kids don't get to choose, because children make bad decisions. Why are we letting them judge a cooking competition?

So, the teams are White Tiffani, all the girls (including Gay Dale, who is an honorary girl) and Tre. Spike's team is all the boys, and Carla. Basically it's like a game of Red Rover in third grade, where all the girls pick their friends, the one weird gay dude, and then there's the really hot guy who's smart enough volunteer to go on the girls' team because he thinks it will get him laid. The boys also stay together, pick the one tomboy who can help them win, and they're all happy, not realizing that hanging out with a bunch of dudes and winning at Red Rover is going to turn them into mother's-basement-dwelling culinary nerds of the highest order.

Cook, cook, cook; boring, boring, boring; Casey gives someone a graham cracker hand job—And we're at the Museum of Natural History passing out the snacks. Joe Jonas walks in, with his large head of curly hair, a thick low sunken brow and for a minute everyone thinks that one of the caveman models on the floors below has come to life and is wearing a plaid shirt. Then Padma says, "This is a fucking Jonas brother, you idiots. What the fuck?" The kids clearly pick White Tiffani as the winner, because they like sweet better than salty. Also because Spike looks like the weird guy their mothers warned them about with the white van that is always trolling around their bus stops, so they're not really that comfortable when he's all, "You want a snack, little boy?"

Tom Cohostio's head shows up and tells the teams they have to cook breakfast for these brats and their fancy parents the next morning, after they spend a Night in the Museum. No, Ben Stiller will not be in attendance. Because White Tiffani won she gets to pick whether she wants to be Team Tyrannosaurus and cook only with meat, or Team Brontosaurus and cook only with vegetables and grains. She picks the meat.

Then they all go to the Hall of North American Mammals (you know the one with all the crazy dioramas of dead animals frozen in place forever) to get a little bit of shut eye before their big morning. They look at the moose and deer and other magnificent specimens. Most of the boys go off on a "flashlight tour" of the museum, but they don't know about the creature that comes alive at night. Yes, this is the most spectacular North American mammal of all. His name is Tre, and there in front of the glass cases, he takes off his shirt and is on display for everyone. All the women eye his large, muscular chest. They see his big, bulging arms and their own hands reach out to touch them, as if guided by some vast magnetism or phantom desire. They laugh and giggle and can't contain themselves while he flexes one pec at a time, back and forth, acting all natural like this is the way he behaves every night, but knows that he is slowly hypnotizing them with his towering beauty.

Cook, cook, cook; boring, boring, boring; Jamie slices her finger open and has to go get stitches; Angelo fucks with Marcel's mise en place (Rule #1 of Chef's Club: There is no Chef's Club. Rule #2 of Chef's Club: You don't fuck with someone's mise en place.") and they're serving breakfast. Naturally there is a long line for the T. Rex's because everyone wants bacon and eggs and steak for breakfast, not the polenta and gazpacho and gnocchi with wild mushrooms (at 7:30am? For breakfast? Really, Fabio? Nasty!) that the Brontos were dishing out.

Because they were at the Museum of Natural History, Tom Cohostio was wandering around and he saw something from his own history preserved in a case. It was Katie Lee Joel, the ex-wife of singer Billy and the wooden cohost of season one. He broke the glass and was like, "Hey Kelly, how you been?" and she was like, "I've seen better days, Tom," and he was all, "I don't think Tony Bourdain is going to make it back from his Thai brothel in time to judge this competition, why don't you stand in for him?" and she was like, "Are you sure Padma will be OK with that?" and he was like, "Whatever, she'll be fine." And he gave her his hand and helped her step over the shards of broken glass that were still jutting up from the floor and helped her out of her case and they walked downstairs.

When Padma and Gail Simmons walked up, Padma was all, "Oh, hell no! I put on a cute outfit, boots, and my Spanx to hide the baby weight and got up at 6 in the motherfucking morning to get my hair and makeup did and then you show up with this nasty old bitch and try to get rid of me. Gail, hold my earrings, I'm gonna..." and she lunged for Katie Lee who hid behind Tom and he said, "Chill out, Padma, she's only here for today. No one could replace you." And Padma said, "Damn straight. I won this show a motherfucking Emmy you better show me some respect and not be bringing your ex-girlfriends around here. You take her and go eat some food and I'm going off with Gail. Get her out of my sight. Give me my fucking earrings back, Gail!" Katie Lee said, "I told you, Tom. I told you."

After a tense conversation with all the judges, Padma and Co. called in Team Brontosaurus and told the boys and Carla that they were the better team. Angelo, Marcel, and Richard took the top prize for their Banana Parfait, which sounds enough like one of those dirty sexual positions to be moderately amusing.

Then they call in Team T. Rex to sing "Bang a Gong" tell them how much they sucked. They liked White Tiffani and Gay Dale's steak and eggs, but they hated everything else, especially Jen's bacon and eggs and North American Mammal Tre's salty sauce. Personally I could eat Tre's salty sauce all day every day, but apparently Padma lost her appetite for salty sauce ever since she had the baby. Her loss. That is when Jen had her epic flame out.

What we didn't see is right after this, Padma stood up and said, "Oh, hell no! Do you know Rule #3 of Chef's Club? Do not talk back to Padma, bitch. Gail, hold my earrings!" But Tom Cohostio calmed her down and got her to sit back down in her chair. Then they called the chefs back in and Padma said, "Jen, please pack your knives and go before I get out my knife and cut your scrawny ass!"

And leave Jen did, standing behind her dish the whole way. Oh, Jen, everyone thought you were so great, that you had so much promise. All the other chefs admired you so much, but you just didn't have the goods to deliver. She was foolishly strong. Like the man who won't cop a plea to get out of jail, she stood by her convictions and made the most fatal of all Top Chef errors. She "stood by her dish." While Tom and the other judgeypoos said they admired her for it, it just made her look even more like a fool. She wasn't willing to play the game. She wasn't willing to kiss the ring and then dance, dance, dance for the judges like a little cooking monkey in a minstrel show. She put down her black face paint and she walked right out that door, head held high, grimace twisted in smug superiority, standing by her bacon, and vowing that her eggs would never be bland again.